Tuesday, September 30, 2014

That's Enough of That

Eight hours...that's how much sick/vacation time I have left, thanks to the sickness that has swept through this house last week and this week.  To be fair, I only had twenty-two hours left beforehand, but it pisses me off that I'm so low on time.  We get the week off between Christmas and New Year's, and if we ever work on the weekends, we get flex time, but I don't like getting so low on time off (I need to change the subject now or I'm going to go on and on about how angry it makes me that the United States has no standardized maternity leave...it's not MY fault that I'm among the gender that must procreate to continue our species...why the fuck do I have to use all of MY sick/vacation time to stay home and care for my infant while I heal?  Fucking bullshit).

So yea...and there's still a real possibility that I won't be able to go in tomorrow either.  Today was the first real day that my older daughter had this bug and she went to bed feeling really yucky.  My younger one woke up with a cool forehead, thankfully, but I don't want to hold my breath expecting the same of my four year old tomorrow.

Okay, so some of the things I've been wanting to write about...first...

Two days ago I was taking a walk (right before knowing how sick my baby was) and (for completely unrelated reasons) felt all levels of anxiety for the whole walk.  I even talked to my four year old about it.  She told me it makes her worry that I'll yell at her (I reminded her that she won't get yelled at if she behaves) and I told her some of the things that make me worry...she and her sister being sick (irony? I can never remember what things are truly ironic and what things just make me want to label them as such), work, jewelry, my teeth (seriously).  She listened surprisingly well but I still felt that mix of anxiety preventing me from relaxing, which is something I usually have no trouble doing on a walk.  Just as I was walking down the last block before our street, I noticed a post-it taped to a lamp pole.  It said 'Be the goddess that's inside of you'.  It threw me off guard.  For one, it rained the night before...a lot...to the point where there was enough water in some of the grassy areas that kids were swimming in it.  Wouldn't the post it be ruined?  I kept walking, thinking about how odd it was but not really internalizing it (I mean, really, the goddess?).  Then I saw:

I saw that and it actually crossed my mind that some future form of me went back in time to leave me that post-it on that exact pole so I could see it when I was feeling so full of worry.  And now, after two days of sick kids (while I myself am not fully recuperated), I realize how much that post-it saved me from going into these days feeling the way I did on that walk.  Instead, I started feeling better...and I kept those words in mind during these past two days (well, maybe not last night when my 8 month old was drooling and screaming and crying and I was crying as I processed the fact that my 4 year old was also sick and I'd have to stay home with them both today, but that was just a rough moment, they happen, whatever).  

So I've survived, and so have my girls.  And we're coming out the other end, finally.  And I still have a job (I think).  And hopefully I can go to it tomorrow, because I really, really, really need to get out of this house.  

The other thing I wanted to write about tonight can wait for another time.  I started listening to a short self-help audiobook about writing (Write Every Day) and I'm really liking it.  But yea, another time.

I'm having trouble adjusting to the fact that I don't need to be doing something at this exact moment.  No crying baby, no medicine to give, no clothes to fold (it took me 2 days to fold 3 loads), I can just sit here...or get up to pee if I want to.  So...I guess..I'll go watch TV now?

Good night.

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