Saturday, October 24, 2015

Ouch...and Saturday

My dog got a little overzealous when I was preparing him for our walk tonight and threw his head into my jaw when I was leaning down to put on his leash.  I was afraid I broke a tooth but then, when the throbbing in my entire mouth passed, I realized he only caused me to put a hole in my tongue. It's hurting a lot more now than it did right after it happened.

Sorry, gross photo, but it really, really hurt! Now it's all extra yucky looking with white patches and it hurts to talk.

Otherwise today was a really great day.  Went to the gym this morning where I took my time and spent a valiant effort working up a sweat and refreshing in some mommy time, sans children.  I ran 3 miles, walked up stairs for 20 minutes, then did some foam rolling and random strength exercises.  Took over an hour nap while the kids napped, which is rare, my body must have needed it.  After naps, we went to the pool then finished off the day with a walk and pizza.  Abby went to bed without freaking out for the first time in almost a week.  It was really great to sit down with a glass of wine without feeling guilty.  Right now my oldest is still making noise in her room, after 10, and I'm feeling slightly guilty for letting her play on her iPad too long.  

No husband wasn't horrible today.  I feel okay. They are both healthy right now, and so am I...I'm dreading the days of this separation where one or all of us gets ill with something major...I'll really struggle then...that's what I'm afraid of the most for this time apart.  Maybe we'll have the one and only Fall of our lives up to this point where none of us comes down with anything.  Sadly, I know that's very wishful thinking.

If only I could find time to write while Steve's gone.  And find something to write about.  I have random urges to spew out thousands of words towards something real, but then I remember I have no idea where to start or where to go with it even if I do come up with some glimpse of a story. I keep hoping something will reveal itself in the next week so I can do another NaNoWriMo but I'm also afraid I'll be too exhausted for it so I'm questioning whether I should even try.  All I keep doing is questioning myself.  In my journal, now here.  If I should commit to it.  If I should take a pass this year.  I keep waiting for some higher power to give me an answer.  And that's where I am...where I'll be even after I finish this post and go to bed.  No definitive decision either way.

Good night.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Candy Corn and Other Things.

I'm a single parent for 2 months.  We've already gotten into a groove, which is surprising, but in one short week, I've had one child throw up and the other has complained of a sore throat for 2 days...I'm hoping it doesn't develop into a fresh batch of strep throat but I'm trying to stay positive.  Work has been a week from hell, can't even scratch the surface on that area of my life.  Jewelry is picking up, which is exciting and terrifying all rolled into a ball of extra stress in my gut.

The nights are mine though, for the most part, and that's living up to my expectations of them.  I've been watching a new series (to me, it's in its second season) on my 30 day free pass to Showtime.  The Affair.  It's a really addictive show...I'm already only 3 episodes from the end of the first season.  Joshua Jackson is in it...he's a major crush of mine from the Dawson's Creek days.  But he gets murdered, so that's gonna be a bummer.  He's not the most likable character on the one really is, come to think of it.  He and his wife had a little boy who died at 4...which might be why I'm so bought in...she's cheating on him with a married man, but in my book, all deals are off when there's something as earth shattering as that in your life.

I keep feeling my head it's on the verge of losing its grip on things.  Is this what people experience right before they go insane?  No...probably not...but it feels like something concerning.  It's a shudder, like my eyes might roll back at any second and I'll lose myself in it.  It's stress.  Sometimes it's just a creative thought.  Sometimes it's nothing.  It's happening more and more often though, and at different levels of intensity.

This show makes me want to wake up my kids and hug them forever.

Oh hey!  Joshua Jackson doesn't die!  Awesome!  Also confusing...hmm...

I need to cut myself off for the night. I'll save the last two of the season for tomorrow night.

Tomorrow's itinerary...gym sometime in the sometime in the morning, more jewelry during after naps...dinner...this show for a couple of episodes, then bed for an early morning trip to the Phoenix Zoo (work/having a trip through to see the animals with the kiddos...Jane's super excited to see Madison and Mimi).

edited to add...i was eating candy corn when i wrote the post title.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Everything's changing

My husband leaves for OTS (Office Training School) in 5 days.  I'll be single parenting for 2 months before I see him again and I'm far from ready for all of the changes this will bring.  Not to mention moving to another state when he gets finished.  I could have gone to Barnes n Noble this afternoon during naptime, and maybe I should have, but I decided to stay home, sit in our office, and mimic my new weekend afternoon naptime routine.  This way it won't be such a foreign thing next week when I can no longer leave the house while the kids are asleep.

I can't really put into words how I'm feeling right now about all of's hard to think of anything else though.  It makes me want to cry, while at the same time look forward to the ability to have some time to myself; makes me sad to leave Arizona and the friends I've made here, while at the same time I'm looking forward to Colorado Springs.

I'm honestly close to having a nervous breakdown.  Really, I feel like I might pass out at least once a day (not joking...I'm actually slightly concerned about this on a medical level, but it happened when we were leaving PA too, so I'm chalking it up to stress).

My amazing job is being so flexible with me...they've offered to give me irregular hours for the next two months so I don't have to worry about racing to and from work to make it to the daycare on time.  I'll be going in from 10-3:30 Monday through Friday (I used to work from home on Mondays...this is going to be the compromise for having me in every day)...then spend a couple of hours each evening working at home after the kids go to bed.  This arrangement made me want to cry happy tears when I learned about it on Friday.

So regardless of all of the reasons I'm stressing about this transition, I'm confident we'll get through it fine.  I've got supportive friends at work, kids that are both (usually) well behaved (just kidding, the older daughter is usually doing the opposite of what I ask of her...but with just me here, we might be able to get into a routine where she isn't getting herself in trouble most of the time...I hope), wine, books I can read, movies I can watch.  Gotta cook for the family...that's gonna be no fun...but everything I'm worrying about...everything that's making it hard to catch my's all minor compared to what some people have to manage on their own.  I'm really just being a baby about all of it.

I guess I never anticipated how much harder each of these moves is going to get.  I used to look forward to them.  In Louisiana, when Steve went to train for this recruiting job for 6 weeks, I was happier than maybe any time of my life (no offense, husband).  Up until then, I'd never lived by myself 6 weeks of my own apartment while living in a city was incredible.  I'm not the type to get bored with too much time on my that's when I started making jewelry, I read about a dozen books, watched any movie I felt like watching, went out with friends for dinner and drinks (the one thing that'll be almost impossible this time around...babysitters are expensive), and my house always looked the same when I came home from work as it looked when I left it in the morning.  It was the most liberating 6 weeks of my life.  Then we moved to PA and I had a baby.  So moving out here was not easy, but we did it together.  This time, doing so much of this by myself while taking care of two daughters and a's all so much more intimidating.

I could go on and on about all of this though (as you can see), and that's something I'd rather not do right now.  I'll go read now...and finish up a couple of jewelry orders.