Monday, May 25, 2015

Long weekends always go too fast

It's the worst, coming to the end of a long weekend.  This weekend was especially long and especially refreshing.  I'm just now starting to stress again about work and real life.  It's like we spent the past 3 and a half days in a family bubble.  No responsibilities other than exercising (which Steve and I are both into right now) and cleaning/making jewelry.  Plus, I got to spend real quality time with this new Macbook Air (I'm typing on it right's wonderful).

I'm currently waiting for Steve to finish studying a chapter in his officer training book so that he can watch the girls while I go back to make 4 keychains and a bunch of necklaces.  The four year old is trying to cut a thick piece of cardboard with baby scissors and the 18 month old is trying to crawl up onto the table.  She's big into climbing now.  It sucks.

Friday I spent most of the day waiting around for the Macbook Air to get delivered.  Fedex didn't show up with it until almost 5:30 that evening so it was mostly a wasted day.  Saturday I took the girls to the gym then went to Barnes N Noble during naptime.  I wrote a lot that day, it was awesome.

Yesterday I went for a 7 mile run/walk and felt great afterward for pushing my limits so much.

Today I plan on finishing up this jewelry, then going to Barnes N Noble, then taking the kids to the gym with Steve and hopefully spending some time at the pool afterward.  For now, Steve's done with that chapter and is tagging in on parent duty.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Macbook Air

It finally happened.  Steve is going to Officer Training School (he calls it COT for some reason even though I thought it was OTS...must be a different name that I'm sure he's told me, I just can't remember).  Anyway, he needs to take a computer with him so he can study and pay bills and have a way to do homework while he's there so he decided we need a more reliable laptop for the family that he can use when he's gone.

So we're getting a Macbook Air.  It was ordered today.  I get to essentially call it mine from now until he goes to training in October, then again after the training is over.  I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write a post about it considering it's something I've wanted for years.  We got the most limited version but it doesn't matter to me, it's 11.6 inches, weighs less than 3 pounds, and has a long battery life.  It'll be perfect to take with me to Barnes N Noble, use at home, and it's bigger than the tablet I'm currently using, which is the 8" Asus VivoTab Note 8. I'd use this table as an actual tablet, which I rarely do now because I have it in a bluetooth keyboard case.  The Macbook is also reliable and fast and has been my dream computer for a very long time.  I'm so thrilled that we'll finally have one.  I'll be sad to have to relinquish it to him for two months, but it'll be great to have until he leaves.

Of course, I'll also be sad that he's leaving for two whole months while I stay home and keep working and watching the girls.  Thanksgiving will just be the three of us.  We're not positive his training starts in October, but he's friends with the woman that sets the class dates for the new selects, so it's likely.  Everything seems to be happening so fast.  I can't wrap my head around it.

I plan to talk to my boss to see if she'd consider continuing to employ me (even if it's just on a consulting basis) after I leave.  Most of the things I do can be done from anywhere, especially once I get our shared files off the server in the office and onto a cloud service.  And I started uploading everything to a trial version of Dropbox for Business and it's working great.  I've already uploaded more to Dropbox in 24 hours than I was able to upload to OneDrive for Business through over 4 weeks of working on it.

My other responsibilities include creating newsletters, an annual calendar, the annual report, and maintaining our websites and database.  It'd be beneficial for them too, to keep me on to get those things done throughout the year...they wouldn't have to rehire my position or try training other people to fulfill those roles.  It would be awesome for me too, not to have to find another job.  I worked remotely from Pennsylvania for a job I had in Louisiana and did so for over a year, but in that case the job was part time and I also worked a full time job in PA and went to school online, so I couldn't maintain all the things I was trying to do, especially once Jane was born.

I emailed my boss this week to see when we could meet to do my annual evaluation, so I'm hoping to talk to her about it then.  If she says no, I'll be disappointed and it'll be sad to have to give up this job, but I've got a lot of education and a good resume, and the possibility to live longer at our next base, which might make it easier to explain to my next employer why my resume keeps jumping from state to state.  These are the sacrifices I make for the sake of being a military spouse.

After Steve's COT or OTS or whatever it is, we will either be moving to our next base, where I'll stay for 4 months while he goes to Vandenberg, CA to train for his job, or we'll go to Vandenberg together and I'll live at the beach in California for 4 months with the girls and the dog while he finishes his training.  That wouldn't suck.  Worst case scenario is we go to the next base and he leaves me there alone for 4 months, but apparently that's pretty likely.  It sucks (for me...obviously the reasons will be different for him) because if I don't get to keep working for this job, I'll have the girls and no job and the challenge of not having anyone to watch them while I go for interviews.

Maybe I'll get my shit together and finish a book and get an agent and get a book deal.  That would be my dream scenario.  That's always my dream scenario though, no matter what's happening in real life.

Time to get my butt back to editing.

Monday, May 11, 2015


I started this evening being stressed about work so since Steve is away for a few nights I decided to write in my journal.  Over the past few entries, I've been writing what I like to call poems.  The last blog post was one of them.  It's my way of getting through the rest of the journal before it falls apart, literally.  Years ago I'd write 2 or 3 journals a year.  This one I've had for about 3 years.  It's tough, having two kids, a full time job, a jewelry business and the everlasting desire to write fiction rather than keeping up handwritten daily thoughts.  I've still got a lot of blank pages to fill but I ended up spending the past two hours of my evening reading every entry I'd written over the past year and a half.  

Things were pretty great for me and my family, aside from the stressors of work and jewelry.  I feel like I've reset my current stress levels...looking back on all the things that I've juggled since being pregnant with my second daughter. I've managed a lot of things at once and it makes my current issues seem silly in comparison.  

Now that it's after 9, I'm feeling ready for bed, but I don't want this evening to end yet.  I want to keep going with this self-reflection.  There never seems to be enough energy left for these moments.  The moments that I have the motivation and desire to pick up where I've left off in the writing.  My mind gets all scattered after the kids go to bed and the day is so close to an end.  Every day whirls I'm trying to get through a hurricane in one piece.  And I usually just give in to the exhaustion.  It doesn't help that my dog has already called it a day and is in his bed in our bedroom.  Makes me crave sleep that much more.  If Steve were home I wouldn't have dedicated this much time to reading my journal, writing a bit, then coming on to blog about it.  We'd have watched an episode or two of television and I'd be going to bed now after a short-lived mental battle that I almost always inevitably lose (or win, depending on how you look at it).  That's my life right now.

And I have to say.. this whole deal with only needing one space after a period at the end of a sentence is going to be a really challenging obstacle for me.  I am mentally programmed to put two spaces after a period.  When I don't, my mind stops putting words on the keys.  

Got a little off track there...but now you see what I mean about exhaustion getting the best of me. 

So this is my life right now.  Maybe things will get easier, but I suspect they won't.  I've been able to set aside writing time through all of it, so I just need to keep doing what I can...maybe someday things won't be so hectic.  Or maybe someday all this hard work will pay off and I'll be able to focus more time on writing because of some awesome turn of luck (like getting an agent, then selling a book...).  

Wishful thinking keeps me motivated the best.  And it's all under my control.  Whether I go to bed early each night or stay up and edit or write...that's all up to me.  I try not to be too hard on myself but if I can spend a month staying up to write 50,000 words during the busiest jewelry time of the year and still manage work and family time, I know I can keep focusing more time towards this thing that I love so much.  I just have to make it more of a habit again.  Why are good habits so difficult to maintain when bad habits come so naturally?  Like eating bad or scrolling through Facebook when I should be cleaning or doing something more meaningful with my time?  

I will go edit now.  I'll make more of an effort now.

Sunday, May 3, 2015


12 hours later with a glass of wine.

The second 7 hour of the day.

After the baby carrying and diaper changing,

after the family fun activities and fitness,

after the naps, the snacks, the dinner and doing.

This second 7 hour of the day with wine

leaves the mind and body with a break.

How could I blame myself for stopping?

Ending the have tos and should dos.

Now is when I sacrifice the want tos.

I put off till the somedays the things I dream of now.

Will those somedays still come?

Will those somedays hold that promise?

That promise of time and motivation?

The promise that will make up for all these laters?

Of course the family isn't a want to.

I know you caught that.

It's not a want to because it's a love to.

Love is there in every moment;

even in the time outs and please listens.

This want to that's waiting is something different.

This want to is for me.

It's for that later me who I know will still want it.

The me that will never stop wanting it.

For now I'll have another glass of wine,

and remind myself that it's okay.

These days are all amazing and exhausting

but someday they won't be.