Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Facebook is evil

I really have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, minus the love half.  So many countless times in the mornings and evenings, and basically any other free moment of my day (getting gas, waiting for pizza, waiting in any line), I have found myself on facebook feeling disgusted by myself, by people in general, or just displeased with my overabuse of it.

It does sometimes make me laugh, yes....and it is my last strong link with people I no longer get to see regularly but still want to have in my life (especially considering I'm in a military family so there is a huge benefit to having a way to keep in touch and to keep my family and friends involved in our life).   But I seriously fucking hate it.  I hate that when I pick up my phone, it's the first app I open.  I hate that sometimes when I close out of it in search of something more fulfilling or substantial, I mindlessly find myself going back into it minutes later.  I hate that, more often than not, I'm annoyed or repulsed by the things I see people posting in it.  And for whatever reason, I keep going back.  It really feels like a sick addiction sometimes.

Maybe I really need to draw some lines for myself.  I feel like there has to be a healthy balance between keeping a link with friends and family while not feeling crazy every time I need to peel myself away from it.

Maybe I'll benefit from hiding the people that I really don't talk to anymore and never really talked to and plan to never talk to again.  Like cleaning my closet...clothes I haven't worn in forever and plan to never wear again get donated....I should do this soon.  It might help.  It might not leave much left in my news feed, but maybe that's another benefit to cleaning up.

As for tonight...Steve stopped and got me a coffee after Jane's soccer practice...I wanted it to keep me from falling asleep so early...I don't need over 8 hours of sleep every night...I need to feel like I'm not a huge failure in accomplishing the things I really feel passionate about, and in order to find time for those things, I need to create time for them.  And like in November I've found that, for now, the only time I can spare are these hours past 9 when everyone in my house (including me if I didn't have coffee) is ready for bed.  So hopefully after I finish up this rambling about nothing important, I can muster up my motivation and creativity and finish this short story before the end of March.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Busy Saturday

Jane woke up today at 5:30 am.  Steve got up shortly after and they sat on the couch reading or something, I don't know exactly because I tried my hardest to stay asleep, but only succeeded in another half an hour of broken up rest.  Around 8:30 I took Abby out for a run in the jogging stroller, which I'm proud of because I slept so little and drank a few glasses of wine last night.  The run was slow but I did a full 5K, so I'm fine with it.  Then we took Jane to her second soccer game ever and she did so much better this week.  We rewarded her (and me) with McDonalds.  Now I'm at Barnes N Noble attempting to write more of my story before March is over and cringing as I type this because of a cut that won't heal on my index finger:

There's no worse place for a deep cut.  I got it at work on Thursday and it keeps opening up and bleeding again every time I do something without remembering that my finger hurts.  

In about 30 minutes I'm going to drive into Phoenix to meet my friend Christine at a frozen yogurt place by my office.  I've eaten there before a couple of times with coworkers so I'm hoping I can find it without GPS...I'll probably still get lost.  I wish I had better directional skills.  I have none, to be honest.  If anything, I have a compass that's constantly flipping around and making me think I'm going the right way when I'm always turned in the wrong direction.  Whenever I move somewhere new I eventually learn enough of the streets to make my deficiency manageable, then we move again. 

I should stop torturing my finger on this blog post and finish up a little more of the story before I have to go.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Some thoughts...

I'm a huge overthinker when it comes to astronomy and our world and the universe and the fact that we exist on a random planet in an enormous galaxy that exists in an incomprehensibly enormous universe with an astronomically incomprehensible amount of space and other galaxies and other stars and other planets.  So why aren't we more appreciative of what we have?  We have an earth that is capable of shielding us from deadly waves of radiation...a planet that gives us the perfect amount of atmosphere and gravity and distance from the closest star.  And instead of literally worshiping the ground we walk on, we give all the credit to some unknown and possibly (probably, in my opinion) nonexistent higher power.  When the higher power has been under our feet the entire time.  

Just hear me  out...If it weren't for this earth, we wouldn't be breathing, we wouldn't be loving, we wouldn't be breeding or interacting, we wouldn't be intelligent, we wouldn't exist.  Yet we keep searching for answers...what more do we have questions for?  

Why we are here?  Because this planet sustained life.  Why do we need more answers than that?  This planet is not one in a million, it's one in probably trillions that can do what it does.  What if no higher power was responsible?  That it was incredible fortune for us to have thrived in a place that could sustain us?  And here we all are, expecting something more to the question.  Expecting something that will forgive us for everything we do wrong.  But that's just human nature, right?  Feeling like we should get something for nothing.  Praying for forgiveness when we knew better in the first place.

And here I am, typing on a plastic keyboard that is probably non-biodegradable, sitting on my couch that, if burned, would probably emit horrible toxins into the atmosphere, drinking water from a plastic cup, wasting resources and leaving an embarrassingly large footprint on this planet that provides me with love, empathy, happiness, humor, opinions, entertainment, beauty, and literally everything.  

Native Americans had the right idea, is all I'm saying.  This planet...Earth...this amazingly underappreciated reason for life...is something we all take for granted and it hit me tonight that it's probably the answer to every question about the meaning of life.  How could we all be so blind?  

Why does there have to be an answer past the science of what made this planet sustain life?  There isn't one.  It's like asking why 2+2=4...it just is....it's plainly obvious.  We should all be literally worshiping this ground that we walk on, but instead, we take it for granted and excuse our treatment of it.  And it's inexcusable.   

Monday, March 23, 2015

What the hell? And parenting sucks.

This is by far the longest dry spell I've had in my jewelry shop in almost a year.  What the shit?  I don't understand.  I've been on top of listing new items, revamping stuff, promoting posts on Facebook and Etsy, but still nothing.  I'm getting a little offended, to be honest.  Anyways...that's all I have to say about that.

In other news...my husband is gone for a few nights for work.  I, on the other hand, have to handle our daughter's misbehaving attitude...please read this with the overtone of sarcasm it's being written with.  I'm not exaggerating about her misbehavior, but I love her dearly so I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.  Here's the thing...she's four years old and today I had to sign a paper saying that I acknowledged the fact that she punched a kid in the face for getting in the way of her bubbles.

SERIOUSLY?  What the hell??  And this post really did start out with being more about the jewelry issue than the kid issue.  But yes, my goofy, incredibly intelligent, four-year-old princess closed-fist punched a kid in the face today at daycare.  I'm afraid they're going to kick her out.  Seriously.

So tonight she was forced to sit in her room and practice her letters.  No playing with her sister.  No talking.  No noise making of any kind.  And the fact that her fear of my wrath succeeded in instilling good behavior renewed my confidence that this is a controllable behavior issue, not one that needs medicine.  She's just a bad kid.  And it's our fault, I'm sure.  How could it not be?  If this were the kid of anyone I knew, I'd blame the stupid parents.

We try to give her the benefit of the doubt most of the time and we let her be her own little person...and she's punishing us for it.  So no more iPad.  No more cartoons.  No more fun and free-loving sappy parents.  No sir.  She's going to have structure now every time she sets foot in this house.  Or out of it.  I can't control how she acts at school but I can give her guidance and set limits when she's with us.  Lots and lots of limits.  Sorry kiddo.

I have the worst headache right now.  Time for some motrin and bed.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Today (edited to add: up to this point) was a really great day.

I should really knock on wood (I just did, for real), because I don't want some catastrophic thing to happen after I submit this post considering it's only 6:15 and both my kids are still up and I'm leaving to get pizza soon.  I guess I should say today up to this point has been a really great day.  Okay, I got really superstitious and changed the title of this post.  Whatever.

So the day started out early, like always, but it was shortly followed by pancakes, which is awesome.  They were funfetti.  I ran to Walmart (which was mostly empty at 8 am...the only way I can stand that place) to get a new tire for one of our jogging strollers...the single capacity one...then fixed the dead tire and we all piled into the car to go to Jane's first ever soccer game.  As a four year old with no experience in a team activity, she kind of sucked, but it was a lot of fun watching and getting to use our fancy camera to capture the event.  There was a lot of placating to get her through the whole thing without too many tantrums but all-in-all I think she enjoyed it and it was a good experience for her.  Abby had a great time too.

Naptime came next (yay! I always feel a little bad when I express my true feelings about naptime, but I know I'm not the only one who thinks kids were biologically inclined to nap in order to sustain the human race, because without naps, I think a lot of parents would go insane).  I went to Barnes N Noble and drank an iced coffee, read some of my Earths Project book and jotted down notes on it (why it sucked, then why it wasn't so sucky), then I wrote some of a short story I started after that one blog post a couple weeks ago...it's going well.  I even re-read a chapter of the book I wrote last year during NaNoWriMo and felt really proud of it...which made me feel a little less like I'm wasting my time (always an underlying fear I have about this thing I do).

I got home and played with my kiddos, then took Abby out in the jogging stroller that I fixed this morning...we did a slow 5K and I took a cool shower after (so refreshing).  Now I'm drinking a glass of wine and getting ready to leave to get the pizza.  So that brings us up to speed...great day so far, right?

Hopefully everyone stays injury and illness free for the rest of the evening so I can feel a little less superstitious about stuff.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Such a clean house

I didn't do very much cleaning last weekend, obviously...then I had off two days this week and took of a third...didn't do any cleaning then either.  Whatever.  So today, my house was gross.  Disgustingly gross.  And now it's so clean.  I feel bad for my younger daughter on days like this because she usually gets neglected and strapped into a high chair for as long as I can keep her occupied with snacks and iPads and empty paper towel rolls.  But I was able to mop, vacuum, clean toilets, clean bathroom sinks, dust, sweep off the back porch, make jewelry, feed kids lunch, all before 3 o'clock.  Sadly, the kids' naps are almost over, so I'm sure the house will look like a disaster again in about ten minutes.

They're up now and we're home from going to one of those huge local furniture stores (not IKEA, unfortunately).

I could probably go to sleep right now.  Finishing up some jewelry, then writing a little and taking the dog for a walk...then the weekend is over.  Bummer.

Oh, and I got a Kerastraight Ultimate treatment done to my hair on Friday.  Waiting for the shampoo and conditioner to get here in the mail tomorrow before I make a definite opinion about it one way or the other.

Man, I'm boring today.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015


So I endured the insanely intense week and weekend of work.  We pulled off a two day fundraiser by working over 40 hours in a few days (that was just me...most of my coworkers worked 10 hour days or more for the week prior to the event, I couldn't justify taking that much time from my kids prior to the crazy long hours I knew I was going to work over the weekend).  I endured it happily, it was actually quite a bit of fun.  I lifted and walked more than I have since the last time we did this event (even back when it was only a one-dayer, it was strenuous).  I'm a little impressed with how much I can lift...I was putting bins full of cans, bins full of vegetables, boxes with six of these huge cans of chopped tomatoes up on a table over and over again, then getting them off to give them back to the contestants...I work the refrigerator truck, it has pros and cons...smells great and cools you off but the lifting is really tough and no one I work with understands how hard that gets after hours of it each day.  Anyway, it makes me feel so much closer to everyone I work with, going through events like that.  I was impressed by what we all accomplished with a minimal amount of office drama (I really hate office drama, but I like to be a supportive friend, so I listen to all of it even when I'd rather not).

I have two highlights from the weekend...well, both aren't really good take aways, but they're notable...The first was stopping a car accident on Sunday evening..we were driving a big uhaul type box truck back from the park to the office to unload and an idiot in a dark green car was driving down the road without lights on.  Neither the driver nor the other passenger in our truck saw him and we were about to turn right in front of the car.  I only saw it at the last second and screamed 'stop' several times...my coworker that was driving probably thought I was crazy.  Then he saw the car too.  That was scary.

The other highlight...oh wait, I just thought of a third...I hit a cop in the head with a large empty bin...whoops, total accident, he was coming in our mobile mini office and I was taking the bin out... hit him hard enough to knock him back a few steps...I felt really bad but it ended up being more funny than anything.

And the last was after all the things I did through the weekend, jumping off and on the back of trucks, lifting things I had no business lifting, driving gators around and almost getting in that accident...I end up with an injury from something as simple as slipping off the sidewalk while throwing away my water bottle on the way to my car at the end of the weekend.  I twisted my ankle bad enough that there's now a gross ball of swelling popping out of it.  It doesn't hurt anymore, and the swelling is only mild.

Even more difficult to endure was today's dentist appointment, but I lived through that as well.  So I'm rewarding myself for everything with an afternoon at Barnes N Noble, followed by my first hair cut in 7 months.  I LOVE getting hair cuts.  If I were a millionaire, I'd pay someone to play with my hair on a daily basis.  And clean my house.  And change my daughter's diapers...not only because wiping butts is gross, but also because she HATES having her diaper changed...cries incessantly.

I miss writing fiction...I attempted to start that short story back in January but never finished it.  I want to start one today for this month but I'm afraid to.  I'm afraid I'll never finish it, or I'll lose interest in whatever topic I choose, or it'll be terrible.  All reasons not worth my hesitation, but hard to overcome nonetheless.  I want it to be light.  Then I want it to be sad.  I was running with my dog the other night and I saw this girl probably around 12 years old wearing a very 12-year-oldesque outfit and had long thick straight dark blonde hair.  But she was riding a skateboard.  And she gave me the impression that she didn't care about anything but whatever music she was listening to in her earphones.  She looked above all the things that go on for kids at that age.  Not even really 'above' it all, but more just displaced from it...like she was just indifferent to it.  I wanted so badly to make her the center of something.  Maybe that's what I'll do.  Can't really hurt to try starting something now, even if I don't finish it, even if it does suck, even if I lose interest.  Can't hurt.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Work, work, and more work

Tomorrow is the first day of probably the busiest work week for me of all time.  Everyone at my job has been building up for it for months so I'm actually glad it's finally here, it means it's that much closer to being over.  Over the course of 3 days I think I'll be working over 35 hours.  The following Monday will supposedly only consist of unloading vehicles at the office and then us being able to go back home.  I plan to ask for the following Tuesday off as well.  I'm tired just thinking about next weekend.

Spending time doing things other than work, like running, reading my book, reading in general, and writing here are probably the only ways I'll be able to keep from getting overly stressed, even when it's hard to think about anything but work.  Unfortunately, even now on a Sunday evening with two full days of nothing but family and decompress time, I'm too exhausted to stay awake.  I feel like it should be closer to midnight rather than a little after 10.

One week from this moment and it'll be all over...good or bad, the event will have come and gone.  Just a week from now.  And hey, all the lifting and jumping up on a truck will be great exercise.  I need a good workout.

Time to stop trying to fight it, I need to go to bed.  Happy March (best month of the year!)