Thursday, February 23, 2017

Jewelry Updates (and a Contest)

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it before, but I have a blog for my jewelry shop.  I don't post there as often as I should, but over the past week or two, I've been creating a lot of new stuff so I've been adding photos and details about the new jewelry.

Since I really REALLY like the new rings I've been making (like, a lot), I am running a contest on my other blog.  Here's a link to go check it out:

I've never done a contest before but I thought it might be a good way to boost views on the rings. I just want to believe I'm not crazy for thinking my jewelry is something people would want to wear.  It's like when I'm writing something fictional...I can go back and reread it and think "this is great" but then doubt myself when I get rejections from querying agents and wonder if maybe I just have really sucky taste.

In other areas of my life...I had bloodwork done last week because I've been feeling so off the past couple of months (anxious, not as excited about things as I usually am, feeling just blah most of the time...I'm still able to get myself out for a run most days and make jewelry and write, but I don't really feel the same about any of those things. It's like I feel less happy...and I want to make sure it's nothing medical before I go the mental health route).  The damn doctor never called me this week so I finally gave up and called them. The medical center here at Peterson AFB made me call a nurse line that reads (and generally...borderline rudely, interprets) the results.

I have higher than normal bad cholesterol. So that sucks.  And I had abnormalities in my urinalysis but she can't tell me what. I asked if I should expect a call from the doctor and she said the labs go to the doctor and if they think I need to start any medications, they'll call me, otherwise I won't hear from them at all.

What the fuck?? Sorry for the language, but how frustrating is that?? I may have borderline high cholesterol, but if it isn't high ENOUGH, I won't even get a call?? Disregard the fact that I might want to start changing my diet so the problem doesn't get to the point where I need to start medication, though, right??  Dicks. Military healthcare like this is the worst.  I totally appreciate that it's free, but if it's doing nothing to keep me healthy, then I guess I get what I pay for, right? I'm sure if it were my military husband, he'd have gotten a call right away. But screw the dependents.  Who cares if they're healthy?

Ugh...see what I'm saying? Maybe it is mental health...but I'm also crabby that I have to change my diet. I was already planning to do Whole30 on 3/4 (have I mentioned that? I did, right? See..memory is failing me too).  Now I'm slightly paranoid a diet with a lot of protein and fat isn't such a good idea. I'm still doing it. Cutting out alcohol and eating way more vegetables will benefit me more than worrying about in comparison to my diet now, it'll definitely still be healthier.

I sound like such a gluttonous bum. I swear, I'm not severely overweight, I'm just an emotional eater. And lately, my emotions barely have to fluctuate for my healthy motivation to disappear.

So if you've read all the way to this point, thanks for listening to me vent. Working from home makes it tough to vent to actual people, so this helps a lot.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Catching Up and Stuff

My daughter colored this (she's 6...I'm super impressed!)

I'm eating a small heart of Russel Stoffer's chocolates that I traded a cupcake for with my daughter on Valentine's Day.  I'm also drinking a second glass of wine.  Healthy choices quickly became less desirable when I realized that meant less (to no) chocolate and wine. My mindset isn't on the right track to make healthy choices so I'm scheduling a Whole30 reset starting the day after my birthday.

My first full day of being 34 is on March 4th and I will start 30 days of no wine, (or alcohol of any kind), no chocolate, (or sugar of any kind), and no dairy/legumes/grains/etc, for 30 days.  Basically I can eat meat, nuts, fruits and vegetables. And eggs. I did a Whole30 in 2014 when my second child was less than a year old. I was still breastfeeding then so I got away with snacking a lot more than is typically condoned on the plan, but I still lost a ton of weight and kept it off for a long time.

I'm just in such a slump.  I know I want to eat healthier and be healthier, but then I cave under the tiniest of cravings. I don't want to eat a ton of high calorie, low nutrition meals and snacks, but then one tiny craving and I'm like "why not, I deserve to eat what I want" and all the good motivation goes out the window.

I feel like it's contributing to my poor mental health. I have this daily irking feeling in my gut that won't go away no matter how much I exercise or write or meditate or relax. It's just there all the time. It's slightly muted over the past couple of days but only because I'm forcing myself not to overthink anything. I almost feel like I have PTSD or something but I have no trauma to be post-stressing over (other than the fucking current state of our political climate, which truly gives me daily anxiety).

My doctor suggested anti-anxiety medication but I'm still mulling it over. I've always been a mentally unstable person but it's something I've kind of liked about myself. It makes me feel more unique.

But recently it's different..I have less desire to make myself healthier (mentally, physically, etc.) and that's really not normal for me. I had lab work done today so hopefully it doesn't turn out to be some medical thing.

I'm feeling very ready and excited to do the Whole30 again.  It was really hard the first time but I definitely needed it then. I read somewhere on their website back then that: yes, it's hard, but lots of things are harder. Like childbirth. Or running a marathon. Or moving your family every 3 years to places that are out of your control. Or writing 50,000 words in 30 days.  I can do all of those things, so I can do this. And I need to reset my mindset.

Just over 2 weeks from now. Last time I did it, I started it about 3 days after I decided I wanted to do it. I'm not sure if having extra time is good or bad. I'm afraid that this extra time will use up all my positive "you can do this" vibes before I even start changing my diet.

Here, this makes it super legit:

Friday, February 3, 2017

Need to Get Back on the Wagon

I haven't been doing any of my resolutions.  I haven't been writing, even though I set goals to get this book done by my birthday (March 3rd...probably won't happen now). I haven't been reading to my children. I haven't been making healthy choices (by any means, I am currently eating a lot of cheese curls and drinking a lot of red wine).  I haven't been meditating or thinking happy thoughts or being a happy person overall. I haven't been editing. I did order some blank aluminum bangle cuff bracelets that I'll stamp phrases on about liberal movements and then donate the proceeds.  Here's what I've got so far:

This is what democracy looks like

This is what feminism looks like 

This is what free speech looks like (NPR, AP, PBS)

No Roe, No Go (planned parenthood)

This Pussy Grabs Back (because this is hilarious and awesome)

Peer reviewed science > your opinion (environmental organizations)

Build Bridges, Not Walls

So hopefully I'll get those made and then listed sometime soon. The cuffs shipped today.  

Otherwise...what have I been doing? (Or have you been assuming I've been lazily avoiding all these things I want to do with my life?). 

I've been working. Working a lot. Two weeks ago I started working all day every day for a conference I had this past weekend. No appreciation for said work. No pat on the back. Just a whole lot of "we're all in the same boat". But did they pass on the thank yous? Nope. Then I had a big hefty newsletter to finish putting together (even though no one appreciates said newsletter either).

Anyways...tomorrow I'm going to a free Pikes Peak Writers's a half day of awesomeness and I am going. Maybe I'll meet someone who thinks my writing ideas are awesome? Maybe I'll learn some amazing thing that helps me write more often, or get myself out there more, or get me an agent.  Maybe I'll meet agents.  Maybe it'll just give me a few moments of a day dedicated to what I want so badly to do (not joking, I even contemplating doing something illegal so I'd go to prison....where I'd have time to write. Seriously. But I have kids, so then I thought, not until they're older).  

And writing this post has reminded me why I want to do all these things and make myself feel more satisfied and more accomplished and less like I'm not neglecting all these things I want so badly to use my time for.  So I'm done with that shit. With feeling guilty for not working as many hours as the people I work with. I work full time hours and I am no longer doing more than that on a regular basis. I'm just not. And that's that. I will happily get my work done, but I deserve time to myself for my family and for my own personal interests.  And my job already gets more of my waking hours per week than my kids and my interests, so I'll no longer let it have more than that.  Regardless of what my coworkers do. I'm old enough to know how to separate work from home life. And I'm wise enough with years to know how very necessary it is. 

Or I'll implode. I'm tempted to block certain people from calling/texting during off hours.

I love my job, I really do. But I also want my life. And I don't want one to overlap the other. So it won't. From now on.

Time to watch some comedian's new show (husband's choice...ughh...can't win them all).