Journaling

I started this evening being stressed about work so since Steve is away for a few nights I decided to write in my journal.  Over the past few entries, I've been writing what I like to call poems.  The last blog post was one of them.  It's my way of getting through the rest of the journal before it falls apart, literally.  Years ago I'd write 2 or 3 journals a year.  This one I've had for about 3 years.  It's tough, having two kids, a full time job, a jewelry business and the everlasting desire to write fiction rather than keeping up handwritten daily thoughts.  I've still got a lot of blank pages to fill but I ended up spending the past two hours of my evening reading every entry I'd written over the past year and a half.  

Things were pretty great for me and my family, aside from the stressors of work and jewelry.  I feel like I've reset my current stress levels...looking back on all the things that I've juggled since being pregnant with my second daughter. I've managed a lot of things at once and it makes my current issues seem silly in comparison.  

Now that it's after 9, I'm feeling ready for bed, but I don't want this evening to end yet.  I want to keep going with this self-reflection.  There never seems to be enough energy left for these moments.  The moments that I have the motivation and desire to pick up where I've left off in the writing.  My mind gets all scattered after the kids go to bed and the day is so close to an end.  Every day whirls by...like I'm trying to get through a hurricane in one piece.  And I usually just give in to the exhaustion.  It doesn't help that my dog has already called it a day and is in his bed in our bedroom.  Makes me crave sleep that much more.  If Steve were home I wouldn't have dedicated this much time to reading my journal, writing a bit, then coming on to blog about it.  We'd have watched an episode or two of television and I'd be going to bed now after a short-lived mental battle that I almost always inevitably lose (or win, depending on how you look at it).  That's my life right now.

And I have to say.. this whole deal with only needing one space after a period at the end of a sentence is going to be a really challenging obstacle for me.  I am mentally programmed to put two spaces after a period.  When I don't, my mind stops putting words on the keys.  

Got a little off track there...but now you see what I mean about exhaustion getting the best of me. 

So this is my life right now.  Maybe things will get easier, but I suspect they won't.  I've been able to set aside writing time through all of it, so I just need to keep doing what I can...maybe someday things won't be so hectic.  Or maybe someday all this hard work will pay off and I'll be able to focus more time on writing because of some awesome turn of luck (like getting an agent, then selling a book...).  

Wishful thinking keeps me motivated the best.  And it's all under my control.  Whether I go to bed early each night or stay up and edit or write...that's all up to me.  I try not to be too hard on myself but if I can spend a month staying up to write 50,000 words during the busiest jewelry time of the year and still manage work and family time, I know I can keep focusing more time towards this thing that I love so much.  I just have to make it more of a habit again.  Why are good habits so difficult to maintain when bad habits come so naturally?  Like eating bad or scrolling through Facebook when I should be cleaning or doing something more meaningful with my time?  

I will go edit now.  I'll make more of an effort now.

Somedays

12 hours later with a glass of wine.

The second 7 hour of the day.

After the baby carrying and diaper changing,

after the family fun activities and fitness,

after the naps, the snacks, the dinner and doing.

This second 7 hour of the day with wine

leaves the mind and body with a break.

How could I blame myself for stopping?

Ending the have tos and should dos.

Now is when I sacrifice the want tos.

I put off till the somedays the things I dream of now.

Will those somedays still come?

Will those somedays hold that promise?

That promise of time and motivation?

The promise that will make up for all these laters?

Of course the family isn't a want to.

I know you caught that.

It's not a want to because it's a love to.

Love is there in every moment;

even in the time outs and please listens.

This want to that's waiting is something different.

This want to is for me.

It's for that later me who I know will still want it.

The me that will never stop wanting it.

For now I'll have another glass of wine,

and remind myself that it's okay.

These days are all amazing and exhausting

but someday they won't be.

-Carmella-

Microsoft Band and Strava

I was planning to get a FitBit Surge (I can't remember if I've written about that here...it was something I wanted for Christmas, then my birthday, then I gave up on the idea because I didn't want the black one and they haven't yet made the other colors available).

I branched out and kept searching for another comparable device and landed on the Microsoft Band. It's also black, but it's thinner and more sleek looking in my opinion.  Plus the screen is colorful, which makes it more fun for me.  I've been wanting it for a combo Mother's Day/Anniversary present (which is obviously still a few weeks away...May 12th is our anniversary so it makes for some heavier weighted gifts this time of year).  I kept hinting to my husband that I wanted it sooner, since it just became available on Amazon a few weeks ago and kept selling out quickly...so as a nice surprise, he got it for me last week while my parents were visiting us here in Arizona (they drove all the way from Pennsylvania for a week-long visit...it was a great trip).

So I got the watch last Thursday evening...put a screen protector on that evening (it needed to set for 12 hours, untouched, which is a super big bummer for anyone who has been wanting a new gadget for a while...patience is not something I have in abundance).  Started wearing it Friday morning and went for a run that day around lunchtime.  I left my huge Note 4 at home and loaded up my tiny little iPod Nano with a book and a podcast.  Having less weight, even just that small amount, for my run was so freeing.  I haven't taken my phone on a run again since.

Then, on Saturday, I came down with a miserable stomach bug (a lingerer from a couple of days before)...I ended up in bed all afternoon and felt almost bad enough to go to the hospital.  I got to catch up on TV though and Steve watched the girls and kept my parents entertained, and I survived.

So then on Sunday I rested and took it easy...Monday I did my first 'Guided Workout', which was something I'd researched about this watch and looked forward to trying.  The workout downloads to the watch, then you start the activity and it counts down each exercise and gives you your time and heart rate and calorie expenditure....it was really great.  I burned almost 250 calories in 26 minutes and I don't doubt the accuracy of that.  It was a really hard workout that I felt really proud of afterward...and if it weren't for my wrist tracking my progress and effort level, I don't think I would have worked so hard.  I was also really sore for a few days (I'm still sort of sore, but I've also done a lot of running and another guided workout this week).

As if this watch couldn't get any better...my favorite running app (Strava, which I was sad to stop using when I started leaving my phone at home) is now one of the connected apps with the watch!  It was just announced a couple of days ago.  I just stumbled upon the news today so I haven't tried it out yet, but I immediately connected my band to their service and now I'm super tempted to go for a run tomorrow (even though I just went today and I am prone to shin splints when I overdo it).

Everything about the watch so far seems extremely accurate.  My heart rate on runs is always in the 150s, which feels right (I always feel close to death on a run...no big deal).  It's tracking my sleep more accurately than I think my Basis watch did (I always knew I wasn't sleeping as much or as well as my Basis told me I was).  Unfortunately, I feel like it gives me low numbers for calories burned, but it's probably accurate, and my pant size and eating habits definitely reflect it.  If only I could get my motivation for avoiding snacks and alcohol in check, I'd be at a perfect weight.  One thing at a time.

All in all, I'm quickly falling deeper and deeper in love with this watch.  It's perfect for anyone who is as obsessed with gadgets as I am and wants a way to better track their progress with fitness.

What the hell is the point?

I'm going to be as obscure as possible here because I don't know who reads this (if anyone does...).  This week was a busy work week for me, I was running on this high of feeling extremely essential and today, during a little one-on-one with my boss, I was reintroduced with the knowledge that I'm still pretty low on the totem pole.  My boss literally laid it out for me (not intentionally, seriously, she complimented the crap out of me).  She has created a reorganization of the roles in our office.  And all of the people that have started working at my organization either around the same time as me or just shortly after me are in lead roles.  Except for me.  Again, I thoroughly believe this was not an intentional slight at my value to the organization.  It's just the way it worked out.

Well...so this isn't as obscure as I hoped it'd be.

Since that meeting, in which I was able to view a hierarchy of my colleagues displayed in chart form that clearly depicted me as being 'managed' by more than one coworker, I have been feeling like a rotting pile of shit.  And this meeting happened to have taken place during the middle of one of my proudest work days since starting at this organization (please take this all with a grain of salt, I really do love this job overall..this is much more of a self-pity party than a complaint about my employer).  I'm currently migrating everyone in my office from a server where we were getting our email over to Microsoft Office 365.  And so far...the process has been a success.  Alright, it doesn't sound as impressive reading it back as it feels, because it's an annoying process...and it's taking FOR-EV-ER.

Anyway...I sort of hate the cosmic influences over my life because it seemed like the worst possible moment to remind me that I'm still never going to be professionally capable of much more than a supportive role.  Whether it be because my husband is in the military and I'll be changing jobs every 3-4 years...or because I had such high expectations for myself as a kid, or because I'm just truly incapable of impressive achievements..it's just not in the cards for me and I'll probably never be okay with it.  It's like the world is trying to remind me everytime I feel my professional life gaining momentum that I should slow down and take it easy, I'm just a supplemental income in a pointless professional existence, and that's all I'm ever gonna be.

I feel like such shit right now.  I haven't been this upset over the outcome of what I've accomplished (or lack thereof) since I started this blog.  And work takes up most of my mental energy, so the writing sucks when I get this busy.  And the writing probably sucks anyway.  And the jewelry has been completely stalled (what the hell???).

I love my kids...I have to make it clear that this rant is solely focused on my disappointment in myself for not becoming anything.  Yes yes, shut up...being a mother is totally honorable, obviously.  But shut up, seriously.  We're all people...you wouldn't say that to a father, I know you wouldn't.  If a father was complaining about not being successful enough you wouldn't say "at least you're a great father"...you'd be judging him for not providing for his family, you assholes.  Don't deny it.

Honestly...I haven't had this good of a self-pity/self-disappointment cry in too long.  I even have a headache from it.  Awesome.  And I get to cart my kids to work tomorrow (on a Saturday) to finish the IT stuff no one cares about.  Terrific.  Luckily, I almost certainly get paid less than all of my coworkers, and I get the least amount of respect at the job....Amazing.  Good thing I got that Master's Degree.  Stay in school, kids, it obviously pays off.

Alright, I'm out of tissues.  And all I want to do is curse now, so this is probably a good place to stop.

Facebook is evil

I really have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, minus the love half.  So many countless times in the mornings and evenings, and basically any other free moment of my day (getting gas, waiting for pizza, waiting in any line), I have found myself on facebook feeling disgusted by myself, by people in general, or just displeased with my overabuse of it.

It does sometimes make me laugh, yes....and it is my last strong link with people I no longer get to see regularly but still want to have in my life (especially considering I'm in a military family so there is a huge benefit to having a way to keep in touch and to keep my family and friends involved in our life).   But I seriously fucking hate it.  I hate that when I pick up my phone, it's the first app I open.  I hate that sometimes when I close out of it in search of something more fulfilling or substantial, I mindlessly find myself going back into it minutes later.  I hate that, more often than not, I'm annoyed or repulsed by the things I see people posting in it.  And for whatever reason, I keep going back.  It really feels like a sick addiction sometimes.

Maybe I really need to draw some lines for myself.  I feel like there has to be a healthy balance between keeping a link with friends and family while not feeling crazy every time I need to peel myself away from it.

Maybe I'll benefit from hiding the people that I really don't talk to anymore and never really talked to and plan to never talk to again.  Like cleaning my closet...clothes I haven't worn in forever and plan to never wear again get donated....I should do this soon.  It might help.  It might not leave much left in my news feed, but maybe that's another benefit to cleaning up.

As for tonight...Steve stopped and got me a coffee after Jane's soccer practice...I wanted it to keep me from falling asleep so early...I don't need over 8 hours of sleep every night...I need to feel like I'm not a huge failure in accomplishing the things I really feel passionate about, and in order to find time for those things, I need to create time for them.  And like in November I've found that, for now, the only time I can spare are these hours past 9 when everyone in my house (including me if I didn't have coffee) is ready for bed.  So hopefully after I finish up this rambling about nothing important, I can muster up my motivation and creativity and finish this short story before the end of March.

Wish me luck!

Busy Saturday

Jane woke up today at 5:30 am.  Steve got up shortly after and they sat on the couch reading or something, I don't know exactly because I tried my hardest to stay asleep, but only succeeded in another half an hour of broken up rest.  Around 8:30 I took Abby out for a run in the jogging stroller, which I'm proud of because I slept so little and drank a few glasses of wine last night.  The run was slow but I did a full 5K, so I'm fine with it.  Then we took Jane to her second soccer game ever and she did so much better this week.  We rewarded her (and me) with McDonalds.  Now I'm at Barnes N Noble attempting to write more of my story before March is over and cringing as I type this because of a cut that won't heal on my index finger:

There's no worse place for a deep cut.  I got it at work on Thursday and it keeps opening up and bleeding again every time I do something without remembering that my finger hurts.  

In about 30 minutes I'm going to drive into Phoenix to meet my friend Christine at a frozen yogurt place by my office.  I've eaten there before a couple of times with coworkers so I'm hoping I can find it without GPS...I'll probably still get lost.  I wish I had better directional skills.  I have none, to be honest.  If anything, I have a compass that's constantly flipping around and making me think I'm going the right way when I'm always turned in the wrong direction.  Whenever I move somewhere new I eventually learn enough of the streets to make my deficiency manageable, then we move again. 

I should stop torturing my finger on this blog post and finish up a little more of the story before I have to go.

Some thoughts...

I'm a huge overthinker when it comes to astronomy and our world and the universe and the fact that we exist on a random planet in an enormous galaxy that exists in an incomprehensibly enormous universe with an astronomically incomprehensible amount of space and other galaxies and other stars and other planets.  So why aren't we more appreciative of what we have?  We have an earth that is capable of shielding us from deadly waves of radiation...a planet that gives us the perfect amount of atmosphere and gravity and distance from the closest star.  And instead of literally worshiping the ground we walk on, we give all the credit to some unknown and possibly (probably, in my opinion) nonexistent higher power.  When the higher power has been under our feet the entire time.  

Just hear me  out...If it weren't for this earth, we wouldn't be breathing, we wouldn't be loving, we wouldn't be breeding or interacting, we wouldn't be intelligent, we wouldn't exist.  Yet we keep searching for answers...what more do we have questions for?  

Why we are here?  Because this planet sustained life.  Why do we need more answers than that?  This planet is not one in a million, it's one in probably trillions that can do what it does.  What if no higher power was responsible?  That it was incredible fortune for us to have thrived in a place that could sustain us?  And here we all are, expecting something more to the question.  Expecting something that will forgive us for everything we do wrong.  But that's just human nature, right?  Feeling like we should get something for nothing.  Praying for forgiveness when we knew better in the first place.

And here I am, typing on a plastic keyboard that is probably non-biodegradable, sitting on my couch that, if burned, would probably emit horrible toxins into the atmosphere, drinking water from a plastic cup, wasting resources and leaving an embarrassingly large footprint on this planet that provides me with love, empathy, happiness, humor, opinions, entertainment, beauty, and literally everything.  

Native Americans had the right idea, is all I'm saying.  This planet...Earth...this amazingly underappreciated reason for life...is something we all take for granted and it hit me tonight that it's probably the answer to every question about the meaning of life.  How could we all be so blind?  

Why does there have to be an answer past the science of what made this planet sustain life?  There isn't one.  It's like asking why 2+2=4...it just is....it's plainly obvious.  We should all be literally worshiping this ground that we walk on, but instead, we take it for granted and excuse our treatment of it.  And it's inexcusable.