Friday, April 10, 2015

What the hell is the point?

I'm going to be as obscure as possible here because I don't know who reads this (if anyone does...).  This week was a busy work week for me, I was running on this high of feeling extremely essential and today, during a little one-on-one with my boss, I was reintroduced with the knowledge that I'm still pretty low on the totem pole.  My boss literally laid it out for me (not intentionally, seriously, she complimented the crap out of me).  She has created a reorganization of the roles in our office.  And all of the people that have started working at my organization either around the same time as me or just shortly after me are in lead roles.  Except for me.  Again, I thoroughly believe this was not an intentional slight at my value to the organization.  It's just the way it worked out. this isn't as obscure as I hoped it'd be.

Since that meeting, in which I was able to view a hierarchy of my colleagues displayed in chart form that clearly depicted me as being 'managed' by more than one coworker, I have been feeling like a rotting pile of shit.  And this meeting happened to have taken place during the middle of one of my proudest work days since starting at this organization (please take this all with a grain of salt, I really do love this job overall..this is much more of a self-pity party than a complaint about my employer).  I'm currently migrating everyone in my office from a server where we were getting our email over to Microsoft Office 365.  And so far...the process has been a success.  Alright, it doesn't sound as impressive reading it back as it feels, because it's an annoying process...and it's taking FOR-EV-ER.

Anyway...I sort of hate the cosmic influences over my life because it seemed like the worst possible moment to remind me that I'm still never going to be professionally capable of much more than a supportive role.  Whether it be because my husband is in the military and I'll be changing jobs every 3-4 years...or because I had such high expectations for myself as a kid, or because I'm just truly incapable of impressive's just not in the cards for me and I'll probably never be okay with it.  It's like the world is trying to remind me everytime I feel my professional life gaining momentum that I should slow down and take it easy, I'm just a supplemental income in a pointless professional existence, and that's all I'm ever gonna be.

I feel like such shit right now.  I haven't been this upset over the outcome of what I've accomplished (or lack thereof) since I started this blog.  And work takes up most of my mental energy, so the writing sucks when I get this busy.  And the writing probably sucks anyway.  And the jewelry has been completely stalled (what the hell???).

I love my kids...I have to make it clear that this rant is solely focused on my disappointment in myself for not becoming anything.  Yes yes, shut up...being a mother is totally honorable, obviously.  But shut up, seriously.  We're all wouldn't say that to a father, I know you wouldn't.  If a father was complaining about not being successful enough you wouldn't say "at least you're a great father"'d be judging him for not providing for his family, you assholes.  Don't deny it.

Honestly...I haven't had this good of a self-pity/self-disappointment cry in too long.  I even have a headache from it.  Awesome.  And I get to cart my kids to work tomorrow (on a Saturday) to finish the IT stuff no one cares about.  Terrific.  Luckily, I almost certainly get paid less than all of my coworkers, and I get the least amount of respect at the job....Amazing.  Good thing I got that Master's Degree.  Stay in school, kids, it obviously pays off.

Alright, I'm out of tissues.  And all I want to do is curse now, so this is probably a good place to stop.

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