Monday, May 11, 2015


I started this evening being stressed about work so since Steve is away for a few nights I decided to write in my journal.  Over the past few entries, I've been writing what I like to call poems.  The last blog post was one of them.  It's my way of getting through the rest of the journal before it falls apart, literally.  Years ago I'd write 2 or 3 journals a year.  This one I've had for about 3 years.  It's tough, having two kids, a full time job, a jewelry business and the everlasting desire to write fiction rather than keeping up handwritten daily thoughts.  I've still got a lot of blank pages to fill but I ended up spending the past two hours of my evening reading every entry I'd written over the past year and a half.  

Things were pretty great for me and my family, aside from the stressors of work and jewelry.  I feel like I've reset my current stress levels...looking back on all the things that I've juggled since being pregnant with my second daughter. I've managed a lot of things at once and it makes my current issues seem silly in comparison.  

Now that it's after 9, I'm feeling ready for bed, but I don't want this evening to end yet.  I want to keep going with this self-reflection.  There never seems to be enough energy left for these moments.  The moments that I have the motivation and desire to pick up where I've left off in the writing.  My mind gets all scattered after the kids go to bed and the day is so close to an end.  Every day whirls I'm trying to get through a hurricane in one piece.  And I usually just give in to the exhaustion.  It doesn't help that my dog has already called it a day and is in his bed in our bedroom.  Makes me crave sleep that much more.  If Steve were home I wouldn't have dedicated this much time to reading my journal, writing a bit, then coming on to blog about it.  We'd have watched an episode or two of television and I'd be going to bed now after a short-lived mental battle that I almost always inevitably lose (or win, depending on how you look at it).  That's my life right now.

And I have to say.. this whole deal with only needing one space after a period at the end of a sentence is going to be a really challenging obstacle for me.  I am mentally programmed to put two spaces after a period.  When I don't, my mind stops putting words on the keys.  

Got a little off track there...but now you see what I mean about exhaustion getting the best of me. 

So this is my life right now.  Maybe things will get easier, but I suspect they won't.  I've been able to set aside writing time through all of it, so I just need to keep doing what I can...maybe someday things won't be so hectic.  Or maybe someday all this hard work will pay off and I'll be able to focus more time on writing because of some awesome turn of luck (like getting an agent, then selling a book...).  

Wishful thinking keeps me motivated the best.  And it's all under my control.  Whether I go to bed early each night or stay up and edit or write...that's all up to me.  I try not to be too hard on myself but if I can spend a month staying up to write 50,000 words during the busiest jewelry time of the year and still manage work and family time, I know I can keep focusing more time towards this thing that I love so much.  I just have to make it more of a habit again.  Why are good habits so difficult to maintain when bad habits come so naturally?  Like eating bad or scrolling through Facebook when I should be cleaning or doing something more meaningful with my time?  

I will go edit now.  I'll make more of an effort now.

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