Monday, January 25, 2016

In a Rut

I was doing fine...staying up late and writing and/or editing nightly for over a week...then I had some recurrent shingles pain so I took a pain medication and the next day felt like I was afflicted with vertigo or something.  I felt nauseous and like my brain was swimming around in some kind of thick liquid, like I couldn't think clearly and felt swollen and noises echoed and I was dizzy and I had motion sickness all at once.  It was the worst kind of feeling, and it lasted into the next day so I took two nights away from staying up and dedicating time.  Then, worse, a negativity and insecurity settled in and I haven't been able to shake it since.  The questioning of myself, but worse this time, than normal.  The idea that I could ever write something like a readable, publishable, full-length's ridiculous.  It's like winning the unlikely and so out of my reach.  What was I ever thinking?  All the work I've put in up to this point and for what?  Two books that I've already reread dozens of times and have never once thought "I think this is close"...I've never felt like my work has been anywhere near the realm of truly publishable.  It all feels a million miles away...a million hours of work away.  A million re-writes, a million's never going to happen.  Give up. Give up. Give up.  That's where I'm at so I have been avoiding it.

In other news, I'm flying to Phoenix on Wednesday for work and I couldn't be more excited.  To finally be the one to leave for a work commitment.  Makes me feel so much more than just a mother and wife...for once.  I mean, working itself is one thing, but flying to work is so much more legit...right? I also can't wait to see my co-workers...who(m?) I love.  I miss them so much.  I see them sometimes on Skype for staff meetings and random calls but it's so not even nearly in the same realm as working with them in the office.  This new arrangement is fine...I'm certainly more productive working at home with very few distractions, but as I suspected, I miss human interaction.  And I miss my friends from work.  I've moved from Pennsylvania to Louisiana, back to another part of Pennsylvania, then to Arizona, and each time I worked at new places and met new people, and each time I made friends I still keep in touch with.  And now I'm in Colorado and I'm afraid I won't meet anyone in this new city.  I'm not outgoing enough to join groups of any kinds or to find mommy and me type things (yuck).  There's a really good chance that I won't make any friends in Colorado Springs.  On a lot of levels I'm fine with that.  Especially right now, when it has only been a little over a month since I left AZ.  But in a year, I know I won't be okay with that anymore.  And for the 3.5 months that my husband leaves again I really won't be okay.  At all.  I can't even think about it.

So here's to traveling by yourself, something I can look forward to...not needing to answer to anyone on a plane or in an airport.  I can drink what I want, eat what I want, read what I want, watch what I want and I don't have to worry about any interruptions...It's the very rarest of pleasures for me (I've always said my favorite thing to do is to fly...the people watching ...the fact that there's literally nothing to do but what you brought with you ...browsing airport shops...taking your pick of the various variety of airport foods...and on the plane itself you get uninterrupted hours of's the best...and I haven't flown anywhere by myself in ...over...2? years?...maybe more...and it's really one of my favorite things to do).

I leave the day after tomorrow.  I'll be gone for 5 days...I will very much miss my children and I hate that they will be missing me, but I'm not going to feel bad about looking forward to this trip.  Maybe I'll even find my way back to writing with all the alone time and people watching at the airport.

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