So I'm pretty sure I now have physical proof of the amount of stress I felt over the past several weeks. For about a week now I've had an itch all along the skin of my left torso. I kept wondering if maybe I was dying because along with the skin itching, the area under my skin felt tight and ached dully...back behind my lung and in the front of my chest as well. So yesterday I noticed a few small red bumps forming around this general area, which I chalked up to the fact that I'd been scratching the area and irritated it. But then today I woke up with two much larger red patches and half a dozen more smaller bumps like hives all throughout this area...and all of them are sore to the touch.
Somehow it dawned on me to check if I had the shingles and the more I've researched, the more convinced I am that I do. I knew a friend of mine had them a few years ago so I told her about my symptoms and she agrees. When I first brought it up to my husband, he laughed and then got mad at me for being such a hypochondriac, but after reading him more about the symptoms of shingles and showing him my bumps, he believes that's what I have too.
I'm really kind of relieved. Not only am I not dying of lung cancer, but I now have a real battle scar resulting from this move to Colorado. I can now say that even though I am only 32 years old, I was so stressed from moving to Colorado essentially by myself, that it gave me the shingles!
Of course, if they spread up to my eye and I go blind, I might not be as excited about this. I'm not really excited about the fact that I have shingles...I'm just one of those weirdos who always thinks she's dying. Then, whenever I get a real scare (dull ache in my chest) and find out it's something much less life threatening (shingles will hurt pretty bad for a couple of weeks but that's usually as bad as it gets), I feel a mild sense of euphoria and a resurgence of an appreciation for life (I really am this crazy).
Drinking a whole lot of alcohol over the past few weeks probably didn't help my immune system much either, but I'm still going to blame the stress. If it weren't for the stress, I wouldn't have made it a nightly ritual to drink a bunch of wine before bed.
I'm still able to exercise, which is good. We got a treadmill about a week ago and almost died trying to carry it into the house and down the steps to the basement. But other than a baseball sized black bruise on my leg, we survived and we've both been running on it pretty regularly. I also ran outside today for the 3rd time since moving here. I count it as the real first time though because when I ran with Ike a day or two after moving in, it was 19 degrees and windy so I felt like Ana trying to find Elsa in that crazy monsoon of snow at the very end of Frozen. So clearly I didn't get very far that day. The next run was just to test out how my legs would handle hills. They didn't like them much. Today, however, they handled them like a boss. I felt great on the run and feel great now (other than the sharp pinching pain in my back).
Today is the last day of this intermission in our lives though. Husband checks in for real at his new job tomorrow and I start working from home. Unfortunately we don't yet have our kids signed up for daycare. There was a short waiting list when we got here and they haven't called us to give us the thumbs up yet. I'm going to call them tomorrow though and hope for the best. I'll get as much work done with my girls home as I can until the daycare opens up.
Even though these past few weeks have been stressful enough to inflict a physical ailment meant for the elderly, I'm sad this time is coming to an end. We were finally getting to the good part. The part where we had time to just relax and breathe and look around at what we accomplished. And now real life has to start again, damn it.
Time to go research the shingles some more then email my boss to update her on my daycare/work situation.
Showing posts with label military spouse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label military spouse. Show all posts
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Monday, December 14, 2015
This is so depressing.
My kids are asleep in a house full of the boxes of all our things. I'm battling with feeling sadness and feeling detached from all of this. I was thinking earlier that the last time we did a move, I did something similar. My mind's way of coping is apparently to pretend this is all normal, but it compartmentalizes these moments. For instance, I vividly remember walking through our house in Pennsylvania when it looked like this and feeling the same way. Like I'm sectioning off the memories of my life by states I've lived in and things I've done in each. Lots of uncomfortable encounters in Louisiana (really bad job...then a really good job which only lasted a few months but almost made up for how bad the first job was), baby in Pennsylvania, baby in Arizona ...wonder how I'll categorize Colorado (bc for sure no more babies). I really want to publish a book while I'm 33 (I turn 33 on 3/3 so obviously I'm a fan of the number 3)...that would absolutely be the highlight of our next state if by some miracle it happens.
I'm drinking wine out of a kid's cup from Chili's right now because literally everything I didn't set aside today is packed in boxes. I was proud of myself for remembering a cup for my daughter for milk and water (she's got it in her room now but I almost resorted to borrowing it tonight for my mommy beverage...I'd've cleaned it and returned it before my own bedtime...probably).
In the past few weeks I've:
I'm drinking wine out of a kid's cup from Chili's right now because literally everything I didn't set aside today is packed in boxes. I was proud of myself for remembering a cup for my daughter for milk and water (she's got it in her room now but I almost resorted to borrowing it tonight for my mommy beverage...I'd've cleaned it and returned it before my own bedtime...probably).
In the past few weeks I've:
- Celebrated a major holiday without my spouse (Thanksgiving...it was rough...just me and my kiddos...and I'm no cook but that dinner was damn good)
- Made over 50 pieces of jewelry and shipped the last 8 packages out today...it was a lucrative holiday season for my jewelry shop and at least a few of the orders were extremely emotional for me...I make personalized items (handwritten keychains, baby footprints, etc.) so I often have sales for memorial jewelry and one in particular had me crying pretty major tears as I packaged it up
- Worked a full time job (2 hours each night and 6 hours each day...those were the least exhausting 6 hours of my days for the past several weeks...I love my job and my coworkers and will miss them terribly)
- Cleaned out our house of all garbage and junk we didn't want moved to CO (well...most of it)
- Bathed and fed my children regularly (it deserves recognition)
- Exercised regularly (highlight of most days....aside seriously from picking up my kids from school every day...that makes my heart smile every time)
- Worked a conference with my children over a weekend in Phoenix
- Cancelled a few utilities here (hubby helped with this)
- Set up utilities in CO
- Survived at least 5 major mental breakdowns
- Oh...and moved a treadmill out of my house single handedly....then me and my awesomely strong friend from work lifted it onto the back of her truck WITHOUT the hatch down...because we're awesome....she's driving up with me to Colorado and I seriously love her...I could write a full post on her
So, I'm not trying to display how amazingly badass I am...I am just reminding a future version of myself that I can handle a hell of a lot.
I really, really, really, do not want to publish this post and go back to my reality...it is much easier to avoid than face. I just want to write endlessly about how I feel than actually feel it. It takes me a step away from it all. I'll just keep writing then. Right after I pour myself another Chili's cup of wine.
I'll write until I should go to bed...and then maybe I'll watch some Netflix on my phone. I'm obsessed with Criminal Minds right now.
There's so much to clean in this house...only floors and walls and sinks but there are sooo many floors and walls and sinks. Once the movers load a room I plan to vacuum it and clean the walls (dog hair on white walls/molding is gross)...I'm hoping to get done when they do. I have a hair cut scheduled tomorrow for 3:30 and I only have tomorrow and a couple of hours Wednesday morning to finish earning our deposit back on this house. We close on a house in Colorado a week from tomorrow.
One hellish week. Thursday morning (early, early, morning) we fly to Atlanta, rent a car, drive almost 2 hours to Alabama and spend one night there for my husband's graduation from OTS...then drive (the day after we get there) back to Atlanta, fly back to Phoenix, pick up our dog, then get up early the next morning for 2 loooong days of driving to Colorado. I know I'll be exhausted so I can't even imagine how my kids will handle it. My older daughter will stay with her father and drive to Colorado with him...which should be fun for her.
So one more week of this and we'll all be together again and for better or worse, we'll start the next chapter in another state. I'm so tired...
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Finally, some time off.
It has been such a busy couple of weeks, it feels really good to have one full day where I spent most of it making sure my children were fed and didn't do something to hurt themselves or set the house on fire. Truly, I still had a busy day. We woke up early (6:15) and I fed Ike and the girls breakfast...finally sat down with coffee and my own food around 7:30. I read for a good chunk of time (which really was delightful) then we got ready to head to the gym. I didn't do as much as I wanted to, but I got to run a (slow) 5k, then did a little bit of muscle rolling and stair walking before the daycare called me down to check on my kids. I assumed my younger one had pooped, but no...my older one had a bloody nose. No big deal (seriously, it's at least a weekly occurrence in our house), but they suggested I take them home. Fine, whatever.
We go out to the car and my 22 month old (I'd say my '1 year old' but she's almost 2...I'd say my '2 year old', but she's not quite 2...deal with it) put up SUCH a fight when I was putting her in the car that even I ended up crying after the whole ordeal was over with (I basically had to restrain her and push her into her belts like a mental patient refusing to go to the psych ward, only I felt like the mental patient when I finally got to drive out of the parking lot).
So then lunch happened...they had pizza. Then nap time, where I usually end up with over 2 hours of blissful quiet in the house where I get real free time all to myself and the only condition is that I don't make too much noise...I'm telling you, every mother on the planet would agree that this is like a gift for us...like a biological present given to every parent of a young child (and not all are lucky enough to have children who nap...so I will never forget how grateful I am that mine do...and to have two that nap at the SAME TIME...just incredible, Im telling you). Sadly, today, my younger one decided to continue her naughty streak and wake up less than an hour into the normally 2ish hour nap. Damn it.
She tormented me for another hour before her sister woke up and we went to the park, spent almost 2 hours there, then drove to the fancy grocery store up the street (okay, it was over 20 minutes away...I love this soup from there and the fact that it'd eat up over an hour of our evening with kids strapped into the van and listening to music didn't exactly deter my decision to go to the far away store). We got home, I fed them these overpriced twice-baked potatoes that they both refused to eat, then sent the little one to bed when I got back from putting clothes away and found her COVERED in potatoes. It's now well past their bedtime and the little one has been asleep since 6:50 (in trouble for being so messy) and the older one is sitting next to me watching those damn Disney shorts on Netlix on her (my) iPad...again.
And she watched that heartbreaking one. Again. And this time I bawled my eyes out the entire time...I could cry right now if I stopped for even a second to think about it. And I think my kid took pleasure in my pain. She kept looking at me and smiling while I was crying. Now my contacts are all dried out...again. And I'm about to wage battle with my kid to get her to give me the iPad and go to bed. Wish me luck. I've had some wine, so there's a good chance she'll win.
Edited to add...
I truly adore my children, just FYI. I spend at least two thirds of the day kissing them and telling them so...or playing with them and absorbing all of the time I get with them at this adorable and innocent age....just didn't want to let any readers walk away thinking I must be some kind of heartless and horrible mother. Well, you can walk away thinking that, but I really only come here to vent (lately especially).
We go out to the car and my 22 month old (I'd say my '1 year old' but she's almost 2...I'd say my '2 year old', but she's not quite 2...deal with it) put up SUCH a fight when I was putting her in the car that even I ended up crying after the whole ordeal was over with (I basically had to restrain her and push her into her belts like a mental patient refusing to go to the psych ward, only I felt like the mental patient when I finally got to drive out of the parking lot).
So then lunch happened...they had pizza. Then nap time, where I usually end up with over 2 hours of blissful quiet in the house where I get real free time all to myself and the only condition is that I don't make too much noise...I'm telling you, every mother on the planet would agree that this is like a gift for us...like a biological present given to every parent of a young child (and not all are lucky enough to have children who nap...so I will never forget how grateful I am that mine do...and to have two that nap at the SAME TIME...just incredible, Im telling you). Sadly, today, my younger one decided to continue her naughty streak and wake up less than an hour into the normally 2ish hour nap. Damn it.
She tormented me for another hour before her sister woke up and we went to the park, spent almost 2 hours there, then drove to the fancy grocery store up the street (okay, it was over 20 minutes away...I love this soup from there and the fact that it'd eat up over an hour of our evening with kids strapped into the van and listening to music didn't exactly deter my decision to go to the far away store). We got home, I fed them these overpriced twice-baked potatoes that they both refused to eat, then sent the little one to bed when I got back from putting clothes away and found her COVERED in potatoes. It's now well past their bedtime and the little one has been asleep since 6:50 (in trouble for being so messy) and the older one is sitting next to me watching those damn Disney shorts on Netlix on her (my) iPad...again.
And she watched that heartbreaking one. Again. And this time I bawled my eyes out the entire time...I could cry right now if I stopped for even a second to think about it. And I think my kid took pleasure in my pain. She kept looking at me and smiling while I was crying. Now my contacts are all dried out...again. And I'm about to wage battle with my kid to get her to give me the iPad and go to bed. Wish me luck. I've had some wine, so there's a good chance she'll win.
Edited to add...
I truly adore my children, just FYI. I spend at least two thirds of the day kissing them and telling them so...or playing with them and absorbing all of the time I get with them at this adorable and innocent age....just didn't want to let any readers walk away thinking I must be some kind of heartless and horrible mother. Well, you can walk away thinking that, but I really only come here to vent (lately especially).
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
My Life
It's past my bedtime but I wanted to soak up this night off from all the things that have been on my mind lately. I am 32 years old and I have realized tonight that this is probably the craziest my life has ever been and will ever be (including this chunk of time where my children are children, until they're adults and are living independently of me). When I was in college, I thought I was busy. I was, definitely, for a decent part of that time in my life. There was a time when I had three jobs and still managed to take classes and do well in them. That was still not as much as I feel like I have on my plate now. I don't mean to sound like a complainer. I'm just trying to come to terms with where my life stands right now, and where I hope it'll be in the future.
Take today...I got up (late...7:10am) and got my kids dressed and ready for school. Threw a couple of meats from the freezer to the fridge to thaw for dinners the next couple of days...made myself coffee and toast. Begged my 5 year old to get dressed. Dressed my almost 2 year old. Begged my 5 year old to get dressed again. Turned off TV and finally accomplished 5 year old getting dressed. Took kids to daycare (2 year old seemed fine at the time, ominous, I know). Came back home and worked a little, then went for a short run with the dog. Got in the car and went to work. Spent three(ish) blissful hours at work with actual adults and sat through part of a staff meeting when my phone rang and a very nice woman at my daycare informed me that my almost 2 year old had a 101.3 degree fever and could I please take her home at my earliest possible ..right now. So I made a rare announcement to my coworkers that I had to leave and basically rushed out of there. I'm a terrible mother because I stopped for wine on the way to get my sick daughter. It was on the evening agenda (I'm sorry Abby).
Called several times until I finally got a nurse to agree to let her come in to the health center on base to rule out ear or throat issue that could possibly need antibiotics. Tomorrow's a holiday and taking both of my children to urgent care in the Fall sounded much worse than badgering my pediatrician to fit her in for a quick check up.
No ear infection, no throat issues. Probably just a yucky virus. So then we go to the store, because we're almost out of milk. I end up putting way too much in my basket before I remember I walked to the store from the doctor's office and now have to lug all the groceries back to the car without the cart. I buy two grocery bags (the sturdy ones with handles) to help me out. Back to the daycare to get second child. Then back home. Children play in the house for about a half an hour while I recuperate (sit) for 30 minutes on my phone, mindlessly scrolling through my facebook feed. We all get up and get dressed (with blankets and all...it's finally Fall in Arizona!!) for a walk with Ike. Half of the walk is relaxing and half of the walk entails of me yelling at Jane to sit still and stop turning in her seat when her blanket keeps getting caught on the ground, yelling at Ike to stop yanking us in random directions for no apparent reason, and talking to Jane about things that don't make much sense (she's pretty adorable but when you're trying to zone out, her jabbering on about how funny it'd be if stroller was a real ship floating in the water is just distracting...I know I'll regret saying this in the future, but that's how I felt when I was in between yelling at Ike and trying to avoid getting hit by a car as I lifted her blanket off the ground for the 10th time).
We got home and I immediately started dinner. We ate. Then we facetimed with daddy and afterward, I sat them down on the couch for some truly enjoyable disney shorts on Netflix. Then medicine for both (they have these heartbreakingly yucky coughs and bedtime for both girls around 7 and finally some quiet time for mommy (an episode of Gray's Anatomy...way too much halloween candy...and maybe 2ish glasses (large) of wine).
So while I was trying out some stress relieving activities (bath, book, then tea bags on my eyes), I realized this truly is the most hectic time of my life. Regardless of how many jobs I have (although a full time job and a part time business are both intimidating without the two kids and a husband away thrown into the mix), and regardless of how much school made me crazy...there has never been a time in my life other than this that I've been this overflowing with things I have a responsibility to keep up with.
The moral to this entirely too long post is that if I could be granted one wish for myself (I have lots more that take priority that are for my children and family but if I were forced to pick one for myself), I'd wish that I could live long enough to see my children grown and happy and healthy and have a moment to spend some truly relaxing time on a regular basis to read or write or do whatever it is I feel like doing that doesn't leave me feeling like I've rotted brain cells (facebook) or stolen time from my children. That was certainly a long-winded way to come to this conclusion, but that's the inspiration for this post. Being a mother with a lot on her plate is totally worth it. I just hope I have a moment in the future to have too much time on my hands. God does that sound good right now.
Take today...I got up (late...7:10am) and got my kids dressed and ready for school. Threw a couple of meats from the freezer to the fridge to thaw for dinners the next couple of days...made myself coffee and toast. Begged my 5 year old to get dressed. Dressed my almost 2 year old. Begged my 5 year old to get dressed again. Turned off TV and finally accomplished 5 year old getting dressed. Took kids to daycare (2 year old seemed fine at the time, ominous, I know). Came back home and worked a little, then went for a short run with the dog. Got in the car and went to work. Spent three(ish) blissful hours at work with actual adults and sat through part of a staff meeting when my phone rang and a very nice woman at my daycare informed me that my almost 2 year old had a 101.3 degree fever and could I please take her home at my earliest possible ..right now. So I made a rare announcement to my coworkers that I had to leave and basically rushed out of there. I'm a terrible mother because I stopped for wine on the way to get my sick daughter. It was on the evening agenda (I'm sorry Abby).
Called several times until I finally got a nurse to agree to let her come in to the health center on base to rule out ear or throat issue that could possibly need antibiotics. Tomorrow's a holiday and taking both of my children to urgent care in the Fall sounded much worse than badgering my pediatrician to fit her in for a quick check up.
No ear infection, no throat issues. Probably just a yucky virus. So then we go to the store, because we're almost out of milk. I end up putting way too much in my basket before I remember I walked to the store from the doctor's office and now have to lug all the groceries back to the car without the cart. I buy two grocery bags (the sturdy ones with handles) to help me out. Back to the daycare to get second child. Then back home. Children play in the house for about a half an hour while I recuperate (sit) for 30 minutes on my phone, mindlessly scrolling through my facebook feed. We all get up and get dressed (with blankets and all...it's finally Fall in Arizona!!) for a walk with Ike. Half of the walk is relaxing and half of the walk entails of me yelling at Jane to sit still and stop turning in her seat when her blanket keeps getting caught on the ground, yelling at Ike to stop yanking us in random directions for no apparent reason, and talking to Jane about things that don't make much sense (she's pretty adorable but when you're trying to zone out, her jabbering on about how funny it'd be if stroller was a real ship floating in the water is just distracting...I know I'll regret saying this in the future, but that's how I felt when I was in between yelling at Ike and trying to avoid getting hit by a car as I lifted her blanket off the ground for the 10th time).
We got home and I immediately started dinner. We ate. Then we facetimed with daddy and afterward, I sat them down on the couch for some truly enjoyable disney shorts on Netflix. Then medicine for both (they have these heartbreakingly yucky coughs and bedtime for both girls around 7 and finally some quiet time for mommy (an episode of Gray's Anatomy...way too much halloween candy...and maybe 2ish glasses (large) of wine).
So while I was trying out some stress relieving activities (bath, book, then tea bags on my eyes), I realized this truly is the most hectic time of my life. Regardless of how many jobs I have (although a full time job and a part time business are both intimidating without the two kids and a husband away thrown into the mix), and regardless of how much school made me crazy...there has never been a time in my life other than this that I've been this overflowing with things I have a responsibility to keep up with.
The moral to this entirely too long post is that if I could be granted one wish for myself (I have lots more that take priority that are for my children and family but if I were forced to pick one for myself), I'd wish that I could live long enough to see my children grown and happy and healthy and have a moment to spend some truly relaxing time on a regular basis to read or write or do whatever it is I feel like doing that doesn't leave me feeling like I've rotted brain cells (facebook) or stolen time from my children. That was certainly a long-winded way to come to this conclusion, but that's the inspiration for this post. Being a mother with a lot on her plate is totally worth it. I just hope I have a moment in the future to have too much time on my hands. God does that sound good right now.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Ouch...and Saturday
My dog got a little overzealous when I was preparing him for our walk tonight and threw his head into my jaw when I was leaning down to put on his leash. I was afraid I broke a tooth but then, when the throbbing in my entire mouth passed, I realized he only caused me to put a hole in my tongue. It's hurting a lot more now than it did right after it happened.
Sorry, gross photo, but it really, really hurt! Now it's all extra yucky looking with white patches and it hurts to talk.
Otherwise today was a really great day. Went to the gym this morning where I took my time and spent a valiant effort working up a sweat and refreshing in some mommy time, sans children. I ran 3 miles, walked up stairs for 20 minutes, then did some foam rolling and random strength exercises. Took over an hour nap while the kids napped, which is rare, my body must have needed it. After naps, we went to the pool then finished off the day with a walk and pizza. Abby went to bed without freaking out for the first time in almost a week. It was really great to sit down with a glass of wine without feeling guilty. Right now my oldest is still making noise in her room, after 10, and I'm feeling slightly guilty for letting her play on her iPad too long.
No husband wasn't horrible today. I feel okay. They are both healthy right now, and so am I...I'm dreading the days of this separation where one or all of us gets ill with something major...I'll really struggle then...that's what I'm afraid of the most for this time apart. Maybe we'll have the one and only Fall of our lives up to this point where none of us comes down with anything. Sadly, I know that's very wishful thinking.
If only I could find time to write while Steve's gone. And find something to write about. I have random urges to spew out thousands of words towards something real, but then I remember I have no idea where to start or where to go with it even if I do come up with some glimpse of a story. I keep hoping something will reveal itself in the next week so I can do another NaNoWriMo but I'm also afraid I'll be too exhausted for it so I'm questioning whether I should even try. All I keep doing is questioning myself. In my journal, now here. If I should commit to it. If I should take a pass this year. I keep waiting for some higher power to give me an answer. And that's where I am...where I'll be even after I finish this post and go to bed. No definitive decision either way.
Good night.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Everything's changing
My husband leaves for OTS (Office Training School) in 5 days. I'll be single parenting for 2 months before I see him again and I'm far from ready for all of the changes this will bring. Not to mention moving to another state when he gets finished. I could have gone to Barnes n Noble this afternoon during naptime, and maybe I should have, but I decided to stay home, sit in our office, and mimic my new weekend afternoon naptime routine. This way it won't be such a foreign thing next week when I can no longer leave the house while the kids are asleep.
I can't really put into words how I'm feeling right now about all of this...it's hard to think of anything else though. It makes me want to cry, while at the same time look forward to the ability to have some time to myself; makes me sad to leave Arizona and the friends I've made here, while at the same time I'm looking forward to Colorado Springs.
I'm honestly close to having a nervous breakdown. Really, I feel like I might pass out at least once a day (not joking...I'm actually slightly concerned about this on a medical level, but it happened when we were leaving PA too, so I'm chalking it up to stress).
My amazing job is being so flexible with me...they've offered to give me irregular hours for the next two months so I don't have to worry about racing to and from work to make it to the daycare on time. I'll be going in from 10-3:30 Monday through Friday (I used to work from home on Mondays...this is going to be the compromise for having me in every day)...then spend a couple of hours each evening working at home after the kids go to bed. This arrangement made me want to cry happy tears when I learned about it on Friday.
So regardless of all of the reasons I'm stressing about this transition, I'm confident we'll get through it fine. I've got supportive friends at work, kids that are both (usually) well behaved (just kidding, the older daughter is usually doing the opposite of what I ask of her...but with just me here, we might be able to get into a routine where she isn't getting herself in trouble most of the time...I hope), wine, books I can read, movies I can watch. Gotta cook for the family...that's gonna be no fun...but everything I'm worrying about...everything that's making it hard to catch my breath...it's all minor compared to what some people have to manage on their own. I'm really just being a baby about all of it.
I guess I never anticipated how much harder each of these moves is going to get. I used to look forward to them. In Louisiana, when Steve went to train for this recruiting job for 6 weeks, I was happier than maybe any time of my life (no offense, husband). Up until then, I'd never lived by myself before...so 6 weeks of my own apartment while living in a city was incredible. I'm not the type to get bored with too much time on my hands...so that's when I started making jewelry, I read about a dozen books, watched any movie I felt like watching, went out with friends for dinner and drinks (the one thing that'll be almost impossible this time around...babysitters are expensive), and my house always looked the same when I came home from work as it looked when I left it in the morning. It was the most liberating 6 weeks of my life. Then we moved to PA and I had a baby. So moving out here was not easy, but we did it together. This time, doing so much of this by myself while taking care of two daughters and a dog...it's all so much more intimidating.
I could go on and on about all of this though (as you can see), and that's something I'd rather not do right now. I'll go read now...and finish up a couple of jewelry orders.
I can't really put into words how I'm feeling right now about all of this...it's hard to think of anything else though. It makes me want to cry, while at the same time look forward to the ability to have some time to myself; makes me sad to leave Arizona and the friends I've made here, while at the same time I'm looking forward to Colorado Springs.
I'm honestly close to having a nervous breakdown. Really, I feel like I might pass out at least once a day (not joking...I'm actually slightly concerned about this on a medical level, but it happened when we were leaving PA too, so I'm chalking it up to stress).
My amazing job is being so flexible with me...they've offered to give me irregular hours for the next two months so I don't have to worry about racing to and from work to make it to the daycare on time. I'll be going in from 10-3:30 Monday through Friday (I used to work from home on Mondays...this is going to be the compromise for having me in every day)...then spend a couple of hours each evening working at home after the kids go to bed. This arrangement made me want to cry happy tears when I learned about it on Friday.
So regardless of all of the reasons I'm stressing about this transition, I'm confident we'll get through it fine. I've got supportive friends at work, kids that are both (usually) well behaved (just kidding, the older daughter is usually doing the opposite of what I ask of her...but with just me here, we might be able to get into a routine where she isn't getting herself in trouble most of the time...I hope), wine, books I can read, movies I can watch. Gotta cook for the family...that's gonna be no fun...but everything I'm worrying about...everything that's making it hard to catch my breath...it's all minor compared to what some people have to manage on their own. I'm really just being a baby about all of it.
I guess I never anticipated how much harder each of these moves is going to get. I used to look forward to them. In Louisiana, when Steve went to train for this recruiting job for 6 weeks, I was happier than maybe any time of my life (no offense, husband). Up until then, I'd never lived by myself before...so 6 weeks of my own apartment while living in a city was incredible. I'm not the type to get bored with too much time on my hands...so that's when I started making jewelry, I read about a dozen books, watched any movie I felt like watching, went out with friends for dinner and drinks (the one thing that'll be almost impossible this time around...babysitters are expensive), and my house always looked the same when I came home from work as it looked when I left it in the morning. It was the most liberating 6 weeks of my life. Then we moved to PA and I had a baby. So moving out here was not easy, but we did it together. This time, doing so much of this by myself while taking care of two daughters and a dog...it's all so much more intimidating.
I could go on and on about all of this though (as you can see), and that's something I'd rather not do right now. I'll go read now...and finish up a couple of jewelry orders.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
September
This post really has nothing to do with September. I could write about how much I miss the Fall weather, but it isn't really true this year. For one thing, I'm moving to a state with seasons in the winter, so I'm going to enjoy every last minute of the all-year-warmth that comes with being in Arizona. For another, I've gotten good at doing all the Fall things I usually blame on the change of weather. I'm more physically active right now (which is something I usually get inspired to be when the weather gets more crisp), I'm writing more and feeling more motivated to get out of the lazy summer habits I've formed through the warmer months. And I'm okay with the fact that I won't be wearing shoes or jeans or sweaters for the foreseeable future.
I also want time to slow down...when we move, so much will change. The organization I work for is perfect right now. Perfect people, perfect amount of productivity, perfect amount of adult interaction (if you're a parent, you totally get what I mean by that), perfect tasks for what I love to do...and it's all going to be different when I'm doing it all by myself in Colorado. There will be no coworkers, except for emails and phone calls and conference calls...and none of that is the same.
I'm not, by any means, complaining. I'm not sad that this job, with the people I work with, has become my family away from home, but I am sad that I'm leaving all of that in a few months. They're the only friends I have here, and when I move there, I won't be going out and making new friends (unless I want to get involved in the military spouse clubs and crap, which is really not appealing to me at all...I'm not knocking it, it's just not my thing).
Obviously, I'm underestimating my ability to cope just fine with being alone. There's a very good chance I'll thrive in that environment. I get so much more done when I'm alone. I'll get to set my own pace, prioritize my day to day goals, do a load of laundry when it's overflowing, listen to my own music (not that I don't like my coworkers music, I've just never been the type to assert my own preference), catch up on all the things I say I'd do if only I had more time (like clean up the database, keep the website totally up to date, find fun things to post regularly on social media, etc.).
So really I'm just whining. This is how I process change. This is how I manage to pick up my life and move it to another time zone. It might not be the healthiest way to handle it, but it works for me. I've had a lot of experience with saying goodbye to people and places and careers...and in this particular move, I only have to say goodbye on a more muted scale. I get to keep the relationships I have with the people I work with, I get to keep my job, for which I can't overstate my gratitude...I may even get to come back to Arizona regularly throughout the year to be a real part of the team again. I'll do my part from Colorado, but I know and they know that it won't be the same.
Will you look at that...it's almost 10 pm. I almost didn't make it past 8:30, but my 4 year old (soon to be 5 year old) was still trying to get away with shenanigans in her room.
That's enough for tonight, I suppose.
I also want time to slow down...when we move, so much will change. The organization I work for is perfect right now. Perfect people, perfect amount of productivity, perfect amount of adult interaction (if you're a parent, you totally get what I mean by that), perfect tasks for what I love to do...and it's all going to be different when I'm doing it all by myself in Colorado. There will be no coworkers, except for emails and phone calls and conference calls...and none of that is the same.
I'm not, by any means, complaining. I'm not sad that this job, with the people I work with, has become my family away from home, but I am sad that I'm leaving all of that in a few months. They're the only friends I have here, and when I move there, I won't be going out and making new friends (unless I want to get involved in the military spouse clubs and crap, which is really not appealing to me at all...I'm not knocking it, it's just not my thing).
Obviously, I'm underestimating my ability to cope just fine with being alone. There's a very good chance I'll thrive in that environment. I get so much more done when I'm alone. I'll get to set my own pace, prioritize my day to day goals, do a load of laundry when it's overflowing, listen to my own music (not that I don't like my coworkers music, I've just never been the type to assert my own preference), catch up on all the things I say I'd do if only I had more time (like clean up the database, keep the website totally up to date, find fun things to post regularly on social media, etc.).
_____
Salami is such a great snack. It's totally unhealthy and way too easy to indulge in, but also so satisfying. And I'm going to run tomorrow, so whatever.
_____
So really I'm just whining. This is how I process change. This is how I manage to pick up my life and move it to another time zone. It might not be the healthiest way to handle it, but it works for me. I've had a lot of experience with saying goodbye to people and places and careers...and in this particular move, I only have to say goodbye on a more muted scale. I get to keep the relationships I have with the people I work with, I get to keep my job, for which I can't overstate my gratitude...I may even get to come back to Arizona regularly throughout the year to be a real part of the team again. I'll do my part from Colorado, but I know and they know that it won't be the same.
Will you look at that...it's almost 10 pm. I almost didn't make it past 8:30, but my 4 year old (soon to be 5 year old) was still trying to get away with shenanigans in her room.
That's enough for tonight, I suppose.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Macbook Air
It finally happened. Steve is going to Officer Training School (he calls it COT for some reason even though I thought it was OTS...must be a different name that I'm sure he's told me, I just can't remember). Anyway, he needs to take a computer with him so he can study and pay bills and have a way to do homework while he's there so he decided we need a more reliable laptop for the family that he can use when he's gone.
So we're getting a Macbook Air. It was ordered today. I get to essentially call it mine from now until he goes to training in October, then again after the training is over. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write a post about it considering it's something I've wanted for years. We got the most limited version but it doesn't matter to me, it's 11.6 inches, weighs less than 3 pounds, and has a long battery life. It'll be perfect to take with me to Barnes N Noble, use at home, and it's bigger than the tablet I'm currently using, which is the 8" Asus VivoTab Note 8. I'd use this table as an actual tablet, which I rarely do now because I have it in a bluetooth keyboard case. The Macbook is also reliable and fast and has been my dream computer for a very long time. I'm so thrilled that we'll finally have one. I'll be sad to have to relinquish it to him for two months, but it'll be great to have until he leaves.
Of course, I'll also be sad that he's leaving for two whole months while I stay home and keep working and watching the girls. Thanksgiving will just be the three of us. We're not positive his training starts in October, but he's friends with the woman that sets the class dates for the new selects, so it's likely. Everything seems to be happening so fast. I can't wrap my head around it.
I plan to talk to my boss to see if she'd consider continuing to employ me (even if it's just on a consulting basis) after I leave. Most of the things I do can be done from anywhere, especially once I get our shared files off the server in the office and onto a cloud service. And I started uploading everything to a trial version of Dropbox for Business and it's working great. I've already uploaded more to Dropbox in 24 hours than I was able to upload to OneDrive for Business through over 4 weeks of working on it.
My other responsibilities include creating newsletters, an annual calendar, the annual report, and maintaining our websites and database. It'd be beneficial for them too, to keep me on to get those things done throughout the year...they wouldn't have to rehire my position or try training other people to fulfill those roles. It would be awesome for me too, not to have to find another job. I worked remotely from Pennsylvania for a job I had in Louisiana and did so for over a year, but in that case the job was part time and I also worked a full time job in PA and went to school online, so I couldn't maintain all the things I was trying to do, especially once Jane was born.
I emailed my boss this week to see when we could meet to do my annual evaluation, so I'm hoping to talk to her about it then. If she says no, I'll be disappointed and it'll be sad to have to give up this job, but I've got a lot of education and a good resume, and the possibility to live longer at our next base, which might make it easier to explain to my next employer why my resume keeps jumping from state to state. These are the sacrifices I make for the sake of being a military spouse.
After Steve's COT or OTS or whatever it is, we will either be moving to our next base, where I'll stay for 4 months while he goes to Vandenberg, CA to train for his job, or we'll go to Vandenberg together and I'll live at the beach in California for 4 months with the girls and the dog while he finishes his training. That wouldn't suck. Worst case scenario is we go to the next base and he leaves me there alone for 4 months, but apparently that's pretty likely. It sucks (for me...obviously the reasons will be different for him) because if I don't get to keep working for this job, I'll have the girls and no job and the challenge of not having anyone to watch them while I go for interviews.
Maybe I'll get my shit together and finish a book and get an agent and get a book deal. That would be my dream scenario. That's always my dream scenario though, no matter what's happening in real life.
Time to get my butt back to editing.
So we're getting a Macbook Air. It was ordered today. I get to essentially call it mine from now until he goes to training in October, then again after the training is over. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to write a post about it considering it's something I've wanted for years. We got the most limited version but it doesn't matter to me, it's 11.6 inches, weighs less than 3 pounds, and has a long battery life. It'll be perfect to take with me to Barnes N Noble, use at home, and it's bigger than the tablet I'm currently using, which is the 8" Asus VivoTab Note 8. I'd use this table as an actual tablet, which I rarely do now because I have it in a bluetooth keyboard case. The Macbook is also reliable and fast and has been my dream computer for a very long time. I'm so thrilled that we'll finally have one. I'll be sad to have to relinquish it to him for two months, but it'll be great to have until he leaves.
Of course, I'll also be sad that he's leaving for two whole months while I stay home and keep working and watching the girls. Thanksgiving will just be the three of us. We're not positive his training starts in October, but he's friends with the woman that sets the class dates for the new selects, so it's likely. Everything seems to be happening so fast. I can't wrap my head around it.
I plan to talk to my boss to see if she'd consider continuing to employ me (even if it's just on a consulting basis) after I leave. Most of the things I do can be done from anywhere, especially once I get our shared files off the server in the office and onto a cloud service. And I started uploading everything to a trial version of Dropbox for Business and it's working great. I've already uploaded more to Dropbox in 24 hours than I was able to upload to OneDrive for Business through over 4 weeks of working on it.
My other responsibilities include creating newsletters, an annual calendar, the annual report, and maintaining our websites and database. It'd be beneficial for them too, to keep me on to get those things done throughout the year...they wouldn't have to rehire my position or try training other people to fulfill those roles. It would be awesome for me too, not to have to find another job. I worked remotely from Pennsylvania for a job I had in Louisiana and did so for over a year, but in that case the job was part time and I also worked a full time job in PA and went to school online, so I couldn't maintain all the things I was trying to do, especially once Jane was born.
I emailed my boss this week to see when we could meet to do my annual evaluation, so I'm hoping to talk to her about it then. If she says no, I'll be disappointed and it'll be sad to have to give up this job, but I've got a lot of education and a good resume, and the possibility to live longer at our next base, which might make it easier to explain to my next employer why my resume keeps jumping from state to state. These are the sacrifices I make for the sake of being a military spouse.
After Steve's COT or OTS or whatever it is, we will either be moving to our next base, where I'll stay for 4 months while he goes to Vandenberg, CA to train for his job, or we'll go to Vandenberg together and I'll live at the beach in California for 4 months with the girls and the dog while he finishes his training. That wouldn't suck. Worst case scenario is we go to the next base and he leaves me there alone for 4 months, but apparently that's pretty likely. It sucks (for me...obviously the reasons will be different for him) because if I don't get to keep working for this job, I'll have the girls and no job and the challenge of not having anyone to watch them while I go for interviews.
Maybe I'll get my shit together and finish a book and get an agent and get a book deal. That would be my dream scenario. That's always my dream scenario though, no matter what's happening in real life.
Time to get my butt back to editing.
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