Marathon is Tomorrow!

I am running a marathon tomorrow!!!  I'm trying to prepare myself in every regard....getting everything charged, making a list of everything I want to do to prepare for tomorrow morning.  I'm sitting outside and it's pretty darn warm out for 9:40 in the morning, and it might be even warmer tomorrow at this time...which is a bummer, but it is what it is and at least for the first couple of hours of running, it'll be cool.  When the wind blows, it's much cooler and more bearable and I'm just going to have to deal.  It'll still be cooler than the half marathon in Arizona was last year at this time.

If all goes well, I should be done between 11:30 and 12:30 (haha..12:30 if all doesn't go well but I still finish, 11:30 if I kick ass and do a steady good race...which is my ultimate goal...my secondary goal is to finish it, so that'd be the 12:30 time...and when you really think about it, isn't 6 hours of moving more grueling than 5...even if they are slower movements?).

Underneath it all I'm equally terrified and excited.  Maybe more excited than terrified, which is good.  Gotta go parent..taking the kids to the parks.


Update...7:45 PM

My girls are at our friends' house...they'll be keeping them over night and throughout the race tomorrow morning.  I really hope they're good and no incidents occur!

I'm all packed up and feeling as ready as I can be.  Rigatoni for dinner with some sourdough bread for a side...sourdough bread with peanut butter for breakfast and maybe a banana (I need to eat before long runs like this or I feel all shaky and energy depleted...I also bring mixed nuts on my long runs and eat them as I go...it has worked for my 3 longest runs and I'm excited to try it out tomorrow).

Packed in my handheld:
-Pepto bismol chewables (you never know...they've save me on several occasions)
-Some body glide in a baggy
-Mixed Nuts
-2 Bags Fruit Snacks
-3 nuun tablets
-Piece of gum
-Headphones in case the Bluetooth ones die
-Probably some other stuff...I'm the survivalist type.

Banana is for the car and I'll apply the body glide in the appropriate places when I get to the park.  IPod is gonna clip to the handheld strap.

Holy shit, this is happening in less than 12 hours.

Anti-All-Natural Parenting Post

Just when I think I'm finally getting my health on track, literally tracking all the calories I eat and burn...trying to moderate my diet, I stumble upon information that tells me everything I'm doing is wrong.  It was a podcast about thyroid disease and how anyone with thyroid issues should never restrict calories to lose weight.  They should just eliminate all chemicals in their hair products, eat all natural everything with no gluten/dairy/sugar/flavor, and get a filter to eliminate fluoride from their drinking water (among about 2 dozen other radical suggestions).

Well damn.  This podcast was on a website that offers a wealth of healthy tips for families (moms in particular).  I'm not going to specifically name the website because I'm sure it's helpful for those perfect parents out there so I don't want to offend anyone because I'm about to spend the next several paragraphs pointing out some things I think are just plain bullshit about sites like this.

Okay, so here's MY issue...there's NO WAY I'm ever going to do EVERYTHING these natural, clean, eco-friendly, organic, completely chemical-free, super-humans swear by.  Who the hell could? And they make it look so easy...their websites always offering helpful "quick meals"...for instance, this specific site I was looking at gave a recipe for some kind of weird way of preparing their coffee..they claimed it would take 3 minutes total but there's NO WAY (I'm really getting worked up...two NO WAY's in one post).  For one thing, it takes me more than 3 minutes to make a regular pot of coffee and this woman was whipping coffee in a blender with coconut oil and something else that sounded gross...oh, some weird kind of butter...but it was some kind of all natural butter that would be impossible to find unless you A.) own a cow and feed it organic grass grown in organic soil under organic sunlight or B.) can spend $100 on butter.

These sites seem to suggest that you aren't a good mother/parent if you aren't feeding your family only all-natural, clean, non-gluten, free from added sugar diets...or if you aren't making your own shampoo/lotion/cloth diapers with a needle and thread by candlelight after your sweet angels have drifted off to sleep.  I'm freaking thrilled if I've managed to bathe my children 3 times in one week or made them green smoothies 3-4 times a week...they like my smoothies because I mask the spinach flavor with tons of fruit and about a cup of apple juice.  Otherwise I will give them chips if it means getting some calories into their stubborn mouths.

So I browsed through this website, sort of in a masochistic way...reading more and more ways that I'm screwing up not only my own health, but the health of my daughters...and probably my dog.  It reminded me that I'm failing at at least a dozen other things...my teeth are probably riddled with cavities (I haven't gotten a new dentist and I HATE going to the dentist so I put it off as long as possible..)...I'm sure I'm ruining the environment in a million different ways...I don't read often enough to my kids...I let them have too much screen time...I drink too much wine...I don't do enough yoga...I don't meditate enough...I never cut my kids' toenails. At least I actually exercise.  And at least I tell my kids that sugar is bad (after I've given them candy and say no more for the day because too much isn't good for you).

I guess the moral of this post is do what you can? Or whatever? I don't really think I have a moral to this post..I just wanted to bitch about these websites so I wouldn't feel so bad about my own failings and shortcomings.  I am not perfect.  My kids are not perfect (yes they are).  I tell them about food and vitamins so hopefully they can one day make healthier decisions for themselves.  Maybe this year I'll even grow a garden (this seems very idealistic to me now that the weather is getting better and I really can start growing a garden).

Really..I'm probably just jealous of these people that can find the time and energy to live completely clean, organic, natural lives AND maintain a website/blog/podcast (or all three) documenting their amazingness so other, less awesome people, can stumble through some sad attempt at being a good mom.

Okay, the cynic in me will go to bed now.

This is so depressing.

My kids are asleep in a house full of the boxes of all our things.  I'm battling with feeling sadness and feeling detached from all of this.  I was thinking earlier that the last time we did a move, I did something similar.  My mind's way of coping is apparently to pretend this is all normal, but it compartmentalizes these moments.  For instance, I vividly remember walking through our house in Pennsylvania when it looked like this and feeling the same way.  Like I'm sectioning off the memories of my life by states I've lived in and things I've done in each.  Lots of uncomfortable encounters in Louisiana (really bad job...then a really good job which only lasted a few months but almost made up for how bad the first job was), baby in Pennsylvania, baby in Arizona ...wonder how I'll categorize Colorado (bc for sure no more babies).  I really want to publish a book while I'm 33 (I turn 33 on 3/3 so obviously I'm a fan of the number 3)...that would absolutely be the highlight of our next state if by some miracle it happens. 

I'm drinking wine out of a kid's cup from Chili's right now because literally everything I didn't set aside today is packed in boxes.  I was proud of myself for remembering a cup for my daughter for milk and water (she's got it in her room now but I almost resorted to borrowing it tonight for my mommy beverage...I'd've cleaned it and returned it before my own bedtime...probably). 

In the past few weeks I've:

• Celebrated a major holiday without my spouse (Thanksgiving...it was rough...just me and my kiddos...and I'm no cook but that dinner was damn good)
• Made over 50 pieces of jewelry and shipped the last 8 packages out today...it was a lucrative holiday season for my jewelry shop and at least a few of the orders were extremely emotional for me...I make personalized items (handwritten keychains, baby footprints, etc.) so I often have sales for memorial jewelry and one in particular had me crying pretty major tears as I packaged it up
• Worked a full time job (2 hours each night and 6 hours each day...those were the least exhausting 6 hours of my days for the past several weeks...I love my job and my coworkers and will miss them terribly)
• Cleaned out our house of all garbage and junk we didn't want moved to CO (well...most of it)
• Bathed and fed my children regularly (it deserves recognition)
• Exercised regularly (highlight of most days....aside seriously from picking up my kids from school every day...that makes my heart smile every time)
• Worked a conference with my children over a weekend in Phoenix
• Cancelled a few utilities here (hubby helped with this)
• Set up utilities in CO
• Survived at least 5 major mental breakdowns
• Oh...and moved a treadmill out of my house single handedly....then me and my awesomely strong friend from work lifted it onto the back of her truck WITHOUT the hatch down...because we're awesome....she's driving up with me to Colorado and I seriously love her...I could write a full post on her

So, I'm not trying to display how amazingly badass I am...I am just reminding a future version of myself that I can handle a hell of a lot.

I really, really, really, do not want to publish this post and go back to my reality...it is much easier to avoid than face.  I just want to write endlessly about how I feel than actually feel it.  It takes me a step away from it all.  I'll just keep writing then.  Right after I pour myself another Chili's cup of wine.

I'll write until I should go to bed...and then maybe I'll watch some Netflix on my phone.  I'm obsessed with Criminal Minds right now. 

There's so much to clean in this house...only floors and walls and sinks but there are sooo many floors and walls and sinks.  Once the movers load a room I plan to vacuum it and clean the walls (dog hair on white walls/molding is gross)...I'm hoping to get done when they do.  I have a hair cut scheduled tomorrow for 3:30 and I only have tomorrow and a couple of hours Wednesday morning to finish earning our deposit back on this house.  We close on a house in Colorado a week from tomorrow. 

One hellish week.  Thursday morning (early, early, morning) we fly to Atlanta, rent a car, drive almost 2 hours to Alabama and spend one night there for my husband's graduation from OTS...then drive (the day after we get there) back to Atlanta, fly back to Phoenix, pick up our dog, then get up early the next morning for 2 loooong days of driving to Colorado.  I know I'll be exhausted so I can't even imagine how my kids will handle it.  My older daughter will stay with her father and drive to Colorado with him...which should be fun for her. 

So one more week of this and we'll all be together again and for better or worse, we'll start the next chapter in another state.  I'm so tired...

So many things.

I don't know where to begin.  Single parenting is so hard.  That's the root of this thought but by no means the end of the story.  But there's so much I can't write here. So many things I have in my head that I can never put down onto paper or into words...I can't even say them out loud.  And the moral of this thought is that I want to write.  Not this post, not in my journal, I want to write for real. I want to be a writer, get published, write more, become compensated for my writing enough to justify that it's all I do.  It'd be the only version of my life that I could truly love.  I love my children and my job but when I shut my eyes, I can only see that yearning to do something more.  To contribute something more, not just to my family, but to everything.  This is all selfish but it's the only way I can make myself get through things that are too hard to see past otherwise.

My younger daughter was bullying another little girl at the daycare at the gym this morning.  I was only 3 miles into a very good run that was going to go on for at least another 2 miles when I got called down.  The thing that bothers me is she's not even 2 years old and she seemed totally happy and harmless when I came in...but they claimed they couldn't put another girl down without my daughter trying to tackle her.  So as soon as I stayed for more than 2 minutes, trying to figure out what to do, my daughter started crying to the point where I knew I couldn't just have a talk with her, put her down, and go back on my merry way.  So we left and came home and I had a good cry on the drive.

Of course, this self-pitying moment let my mind spin out of control until I was thinking the deepest, darkest reasons I have to be sad.  The things I can never write down.  And the only thing that pulled me out of the new, overwhelming despair I'd fallen into, was the thought that my life could be different if I could write.  If I can focus all my extra minutes, every moment I have that isn't consumed by jewelry, children, work, house, if I can really apply myself, then maybe I can pull myself out of this ongoing failure I feel.  I can gain some independence from some things.

Now I'm begging my older daughter to take her nap and threatening her by claiming I won't take her to the pool later, like we had planned, if she doesn't quiet down and fall asleep.  In a few minutes, I need to work on jewelry.  Hopefully that won't take too long because I'd like then to spend some time doing something to dedicate my every free minute to writing.  Writing here counts because I'm committing myself beyond just my own thoughts.

If nothing else, dedicating my time and efforts toward making this lifelong dream a reality always seems to make me feel better in the interim.  So there's always that.  It's good for my mental wellbeing.  Also, I've never felt more drive, more confidence about something being a possibility than I do about this.  So even when every other thought sounds like: "so many people have this same dream that try a thousand times harder and never make it a reality, why do you think you'll be any different?", the in between thoughts are so much the opposite that I know I can't just give up on this.

Time for jewelry.

Finally, some time off.

It has been such a busy couple of weeks, it feels really good to have one full day where I spent most of it making sure my children were fed and didn't do something to hurt themselves or set the house on fire.  Truly, I still had a busy day.  We woke up early (6:15) and I fed Ike and the girls breakfast...finally sat down with coffee and my own food around 7:30.  I read for a good chunk of time (which really was delightful) then we got ready to head to the gym.  I didn't do as much as I wanted to, but I got to run a (slow) 5k, then did a little bit of muscle rolling and stair walking before the daycare called me down to check on my kids.  I assumed my younger one had pooped, but no...my older one had a bloody nose.  No big deal (seriously, it's at least a weekly occurrence in our house), but they suggested I take them home.  Fine, whatever.

We go out to the car and my 22 month old (I'd say my '1 year old' but she's almost 2...I'd say my '2 year old', but she's not quite 2...deal with it) put up SUCH a fight when I was putting her in the car that even I ended up crying after the whole ordeal was over with (I basically had to restrain her and push her into her belts like a mental patient refusing to go to the psych ward, only I felt like the mental patient when I finally got to drive out of the parking lot).

So then lunch happened...they had pizza.  Then nap time, where I usually end up with over 2 hours of blissful quiet in the house where I get real free time all to myself and the only condition is that I don't make too much noise...I'm telling you, every mother on the planet would agree that this is like a gift for us...like a biological present given to every parent of a young child (and not all are lucky enough to have children who nap...so I will never forget how grateful I am that mine do...and to have two that nap at the SAME TIME...just incredible, Im telling you).  Sadly, today, my younger one decided to continue her naughty streak and wake up less than an hour into the normally 2ish hour nap.  Damn it.

She tormented me for another hour before her sister woke up and we went to the park, spent almost 2 hours there, then drove to the fancy grocery store up the street (okay, it was over 20 minutes away...I love this soup from there and the fact that it'd eat up over an hour of our evening with kids strapped into the van and listening to music didn't exactly deter my decision to go to the far away store).  We got home, I fed them these overpriced twice-baked potatoes that they both refused to eat, then sent the little one to bed when I got back from putting clothes away and found her COVERED in potatoes.  It's now well past their bedtime and the little one has been asleep since 6:50 (in trouble for being so messy) and the older one is sitting next to me watching those damn Disney shorts on Netlix on her (my) iPad...again.

And she watched that heartbreaking one.  Again.  And this time I bawled my eyes out the entire time...I could cry right now if I stopped for even a second to think about it.  And I think my kid took pleasure in my pain.  She kept looking at me and smiling while I was crying.  Now my contacts are all dried out...again.  And I'm about to wage battle with my kid to get her to give me the iPad and go to bed.  Wish me luck.  I've had some wine, so there's a good chance she'll win.

Edited to add...
I truly adore my children, just FYI.  I spend at least two thirds of the day kissing them and telling them so...or playing with them and absorbing all of the time I get with them at this adorable and innocent age....just didn't want to let any readers walk away thinking I must be some kind of heartless and horrible mother.  Well, you can walk away thinking that, but I really only come here to vent (lately especially).

My Life

It's past my bedtime but I wanted to soak up this night off from all the things that have been on my mind lately.  I am 32 years old and I have realized tonight that this is probably the craziest my life has ever been and will ever be (including this chunk of time where my children are children, until they're adults and are living independently of me).  When I was in college, I thought I was busy.  I was, definitely, for a decent part of that time in my life.  There was a time when I had three jobs and still managed to take classes and do well in them.  That was still not as much as I feel like I have on my plate now.  I don't mean to sound like a complainer.  I'm just trying to come to terms with where my life stands right now, and where I hope it'll be in the future.

Take today...I got up (late...7:10am) and got my kids dressed and ready for school.  Threw a couple of meats from the freezer to the fridge to thaw for dinners the next couple of days...made myself coffee and toast.  Begged my 5 year old to get dressed.  Dressed my almost 2 year old.  Begged my 5 year old to get dressed again.  Turned off TV and finally accomplished 5 year old getting dressed.  Took kids to daycare (2 year old seemed fine at the time, ominous, I know).  Came back home and worked a little, then went for a short run with the dog.  Got in the car and went to work.  Spent three(ish) blissful hours at work with actual adults and sat through part of a staff meeting when my phone rang and a very nice woman at my daycare informed me that my almost 2 year old had a 101.3 degree fever and could I please take her home at my earliest possible ..right now.  So I made a rare announcement to my coworkers that I had to leave and basically rushed out of there.  I'm a terrible mother because I stopped for wine on the way to get my sick daughter.  It was on the evening agenda (I'm sorry Abby).

Called several times until I finally got a nurse to agree to let her come in to the health center on base to rule out ear or throat issue that could possibly need antibiotics.  Tomorrow's a holiday and taking both of my children to urgent care in the Fall sounded much worse than badgering my pediatrician to fit her in for a quick check up.

No ear infection, no throat issues.  Probably just a yucky virus.  So then we go to the store, because we're almost out of milk.  I end up putting way too much in my basket before I remember I walked to the store from the doctor's office and now have to lug all the groceries back to the car without the cart.  I buy two grocery bags (the sturdy ones with handles) to help me out.  Back to the daycare to get second child.  Then back home.  Children play in the house for about a half an hour while I recuperate (sit) for 30 minutes on my phone, mindlessly scrolling through my facebook feed.  We all get up and get dressed (with blankets and all...it's finally Fall in Arizona!!) for a walk with Ike.  Half of the walk is relaxing and half of the walk entails of me yelling at Jane to sit still and stop turning in her seat when her blanket keeps getting caught on the ground, yelling at Ike to stop yanking us in random directions for no apparent reason, and talking to Jane about things that don't make much sense (she's pretty adorable but when you're trying to zone out, her jabbering on about how funny it'd be if stroller was a real ship floating in the water is just distracting...I know I'll regret saying this in the future, but that's how I felt when I was in between yelling at Ike and trying to avoid getting hit by a car as I lifted her blanket off the ground for the 10th time).

We got home and I immediately started dinner.  We ate.  Then we facetimed with daddy and afterward, I sat them down on the couch for some truly enjoyable disney shorts on Netflix.  Then medicine for both (they have these heartbreakingly yucky coughs and bedtime for both girls around 7 and finally some quiet time for mommy (an episode of Gray's Anatomy...way too much halloween candy...and maybe 2ish glasses (large) of wine).

So while I was trying out some stress relieving activities (bath, book, then tea bags on my eyes), I realized this truly is the most hectic time of my life.  Regardless of how many jobs I have (although a full time job and a part time business are both intimidating without the two kids and a husband away thrown into the mix), and regardless of how much school made me crazy...there has never been a time in my life other than this that I've been this overflowing with things I have a responsibility to keep up with.

The moral to this entirely too long post is that if I could be granted one wish for myself (I have lots more that take priority that are for my children and family but if I were forced to pick one for myself), I'd wish that I could live long enough to see my children grown and happy and healthy and have a moment to spend some truly relaxing time on a regular basis to read or write or do whatever it is I feel like doing that doesn't leave me feeling like I've rotted brain cells (facebook) or stolen time from my children.  That was certainly a long-winded way to come to this conclusion, but that's the inspiration for this post.  Being a mother with a lot on her plate is totally worth it.  I just hope I have a moment in the future to have too much time on my hands.  God does that sound good right now.

September

This post really has nothing to do with September.  I could write about how much I miss the Fall weather, but it isn't really true this year.  For one thing, I'm moving to a state with seasons in the winter, so I'm going to enjoy every last minute of the all-year-warmth that comes with being in Arizona.  For another, I've gotten good at doing all the Fall things I usually blame on the change of weather.  I'm more physically active right now (which is something I usually get inspired to be when the weather gets more crisp), I'm writing more and feeling more motivated to get out of the lazy summer habits I've formed through the warmer months.  And I'm okay with the fact that I won't be wearing shoes or jeans or sweaters for the foreseeable future.

I also want time to slow down...when we move, so much will change.  The organization I work for is perfect right now.  Perfect people, perfect amount of productivity, perfect amount of adult interaction (if you're a parent, you totally get what I mean by that), perfect tasks for what I love to do...and it's all going to be different when I'm doing it all by myself in Colorado.  There will be no coworkers, except for emails and phone calls and conference calls...and none of that is the same.

I'm not, by any means, complaining.  I'm not sad that this job, with the people I work with, has become my family away from home, but I am sad that I'm leaving all of that in a few months.  They're the only friends I have here, and when I move there, I won't be going out and making new friends (unless I want to get involved in the military spouse clubs and crap, which is really not appealing to me at all...I'm not knocking it, it's just not my thing).

Obviously, I'm underestimating my ability to cope just fine with being alone.  There's a very good chance I'll thrive in that environment.  I get so much more done when I'm alone.  I'll get to set my own pace, prioritize my day to day goals, do a load of laundry when it's overflowing, listen to my own music (not that I don't like my coworkers music, I've just never been the type to assert my own preference), catch up on all the things I say I'd do if only I had more time (like clean up the database, keep the website totally up to date, find fun things to post regularly on social media, etc.).

_____

Salami is such a great snack.  It's totally unhealthy and way too easy to indulge in, but also so satisfying.  And I'm going to run tomorrow, so whatever.

_____

So really I'm just whining.  This is how I process change.  This is how I manage to pick up my life and move it to another time zone.  It might not be the healthiest way to handle it, but it works for me. I've had a lot of experience with saying goodbye to people and places and careers...and in this particular move, I only have to say goodbye on a more muted scale.  I get to keep the relationships I have with the people I work with, I get to keep my job, for which I can't overstate my gratitude...I may even get to come back to Arizona regularly throughout the year to be a real part of the team again.  I'll do my part from Colorado, but I know and they know that it won't be the same.

Will you look at that...it's almost 10 pm.  I almost didn't make it past 8:30, but my 4 year old (soon to be 5 year old) was still trying to get away with shenanigans in her room.

That's enough for tonight, I suppose.

Long weekends always go too fast

It's the worst, coming to the end of a long weekend.  This weekend was especially long and especially refreshing.  I'm just now starting to stress again about work and real life.  It's like we spent the past 3 and a half days in a family bubble.  No responsibilities other than exercising (which Steve and I are both into right now) and cleaning/making jewelry.  Plus, I got to spend real quality time with this new Macbook Air (I'm typing on it right now...it's wonderful).

I'm currently waiting for Steve to finish studying a chapter in his officer training book so that he can watch the girls while I go back to make 4 keychains and a bunch of necklaces.  The four year old is trying to cut a thick piece of cardboard with baby scissors and the 18 month old is trying to crawl up onto the table.  She's big into climbing now.  It sucks.

Friday I spent most of the day waiting around for the Macbook Air to get delivered.  Fedex didn't show up with it until almost 5:30 that evening so it was mostly a wasted day.  Saturday I took the girls to the gym then went to Barnes N Noble during naptime.  I wrote a lot that day, it was awesome.

Yesterday I went for a 7 mile run/walk and felt great afterward for pushing my limits so much.

Today I plan on finishing up this jewelry, then going to Barnes N Noble, then taking the kids to the gym with Steve and hopefully spending some time at the pool afterward.  For now, Steve's done with that chapter and is tagging in on parent duty.

Somedays

12 hours later with a glass of wine.

The second 7 hour of the day.

After the baby carrying and diaper changing,

after the family fun activities and fitness,

after the naps, the snacks, the dinner and doing.

This second 7 hour of the day with wine

leaves the mind and body with a break.

How could I blame myself for stopping?

Ending the have tos and should dos.

Now is when I sacrifice the want tos.

I put off till the somedays the things I dream of now.

Will those somedays still come?

Will those somedays hold that promise?

That promise of time and motivation?

The promise that will make up for all these laters?

Of course the family isn't a want to.

I know you caught that.

It's not a want to because it's a love to.

Love is there in every moment;

even in the time outs and please listens.

This want to that's waiting is something different.

This want to is for me.

It's for that later me who I know will still want it.

The me that will never stop wanting it.

For now I'll have another glass of wine,

and remind myself that it's okay.

These days are all amazing and exhausting

but someday they won't be.

-Carmella-

What the hell? And parenting sucks.

This is by far the longest dry spell I've had in my jewelry shop in almost a year.  What the shit?  I don't understand.  I've been on top of listing new items, revamping stuff, promoting posts on Facebook and Etsy, but still nothing.  I'm getting a little offended, to be honest.  Anyways...that's all I have to say about that.

In other news...my husband is gone for a few nights for work.  I, on the other hand, have to handle our daughter's misbehaving attitude...please read this with the overtone of sarcasm it's being written with.  I'm not exaggerating about her misbehavior, but I love her dearly so I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea.  Here's the thing...she's four years old and today I had to sign a paper saying that I acknowledged the fact that she punched a kid in the face for getting in the way of her bubbles.

SERIOUSLY?  What the hell??  And this post really did start out with being more about the jewelry issue than the kid issue.  But yes, my goofy, incredibly intelligent, four-year-old princess closed-fist punched a kid in the face today at daycare.  I'm afraid they're going to kick her out.  Seriously.

So tonight she was forced to sit in her room and practice her letters.  No playing with her sister.  No talking.  No noise making of any kind.  And the fact that her fear of my wrath succeeded in instilling good behavior renewed my confidence that this is a controllable behavior issue, not one that needs medicine.  She's just a bad kid.  And it's our fault, I'm sure.  How could it not be?  If this were the kid of anyone I knew, I'd blame the stupid parents.

We try to give her the benefit of the doubt most of the time and we let her be her own little person...and she's punishing us for it.  So no more iPad.  No more cartoons.  No more fun and free-loving sappy parents.  No sir.  She's going to have structure now every time she sets foot in this house.  Or out of it.  I can't control how she acts at school but I can give her guidance and set limits when she's with us.  Lots and lots of limits.  Sorry kiddo.

I have the worst headache right now.  Time for some motrin and bed.