I'm Here for a Confession

Three days in a row...three really good days.  I woke up yesterday, weighed myself, discovered I'd dropped 3 pounds (I know it wasn't all true weight loss from just 3 good days of a modest deficit in calories, but I felt less bloated and fit better in my clothes) and my day went along as usual...just as good as the previous 3 days. Ate salad for lunch, went for a great run, did a little lifting, had a banana with peanut butter for my after workout snack...the day was going great.

Then I took my daughter to get chapstick at the Base Exchange (BX..found on most military bases..basically like a mini walmart for military members but tax free and sells a wide range of things, including wine) ......

I figured, why not have a glass or two of wine? I could fit it in my calorie amounts and I'd be fine. I think you know where I'm going with this. 

I indulged....on everything I could get my hands on. Ate some tortilla chips with some cheese dip, then 2 packs of fruit snacks (sorry kids!), then finished off the last serving in a box of cheese nips.  Drank way too much wine, and in the span of 3 hours I officially succeeded in disappointing myself.  I even binge watched Bones (I missed a bunch of the last episodes of this summer...didn't realize it was still on).

So even though I'm struggling to get back on good terms with myself this morning, I'm back on the wagon...trying to dust myself off and get back in a good mindset.  

It was like the combination of wanting to watch TV, having a fresh bottle of wine, giving myself a little slack on the rules, and seeing that progress I'd made in the morning resulted in a very reckless mindset.

Whenever I drink too much wine, I wake up in the middle of the night with barely any hope of falling back to sleep. I was up for the better part of 2 hours between 3:45 and 6:30 ...the whole time just regretting last night.  Ughhh food and wine...why do you have to be so incredibly desirable??? I get now why people say they "cheat on a diet".  I feel like the idea of wine and snacks just seduced me right out of all these good intentions I've had.  

But the beauty of fucking up for one night is that it's just one night...today is a new day.  And despite the crappy night of sleep, I still see myself going for a 3-4 mile run and staying within my calorie goals and definitely NOT drinking any wine tonight (or maybe ever again, haha).  And now I've learned my lesson...when I'm restricting myself and decide to indulge a little, I need to remember that a little means a little...and that I will be very pissed at myself if I ever let myself lose all willpower like I did last night.  

I am keeping a food journal

I always feel more invested in things like this when I put it out there in the world...so here it is.  In 2008, I kept a food diary (on Calorie Count) and I lost more than 20 pounds.  I have had 2 kids since then and fluctuated way back up again and way back down again (with the help of the Whole30 diet...which I completed, though it was not easy and I'm very hesitant to try it again...one major reason is that I love alcohol and the thought of going 30 days without it again just seems ridiculous).

So with running (and training for) a marathon, I got into the habit of eating whatever I wanted.  And I may not have gained much weight through that (and ate A LOT), I definitely didn't lose any.  So now that I'm running less (only between 3 and 4.5 miles per run...but I've been running more often, almost daily)...I'm still eating a lot and feeling pretty down on myself.  I also drink too much...not for alcoholic type standards, but there are a lot of calories in wine, so having 2-3 glasses on any given night AND snacking regularly like I'm some kind of calorie burning queen is not a good combination for me, or my body.  I'm still at a healthy weight, but I suspect I'm at the high end of healthy...borderline overweight.

That's not who I identify as...and my clothes agree. So I started the food journal yesterday, this time with My Fitness Pal because I have a Garmin VivoActive HR and they play well together.  I ate over 2,500 calories (that's including the 2-3 glasses of wine) and then gave up tracking what I was eating.  But this morning, instead of feeling discouraged, I woke up feeling determined.  I've done this before.  I've done a million things harder than this.  Not to brag, but I've pumped (breastmilk) while driving...I've breastfed and pumped while at work for 2 full years of my life.  I've trained for and ran a half and full marathon.  I completed one Whole30 (which really felt as hard for me as my first two examples combined). I've written 2 full books, one during NaNoWriMo (not that I've been able to get either published, but still..).  I've definitely had a crapload of determination to accomplish goals that I've set my mind to...so I can absolutely watch what I eat, set a calorie deficit goal, and lose 5-10 pounds (15 would be ideal).  Right? Right??

Yea...so, I'm off to the base with my kids so I can run on a trail before getting some healthy food.  I'll try checking in again with my progress soon (of course, if you don't hear from me, that's probably not a good sign).