I'm Here for a Confession

Three days in a row...three really good days.  I woke up yesterday, weighed myself, discovered I'd dropped 3 pounds (I know it wasn't all true weight loss from just 3 good days of a modest deficit in calories, but I felt less bloated and fit better in my clothes) and my day went along as usual...just as good as the previous 3 days. Ate salad for lunch, went for a great run, did a little lifting, had a banana with peanut butter for my after workout snack...the day was going great.

Then I took my daughter to get chapstick at the Base Exchange (BX..found on most military bases..basically like a mini walmart for military members but tax free and sells a wide range of things, including wine) ......

I figured, why not have a glass or two of wine? I could fit it in my calorie amounts and I'd be fine. I think you know where I'm going with this. 

I indulged....on everything I could get my hands on. Ate some tortilla chips with some cheese dip, then 2 packs of fruit snacks (sorry kids!), then finished off the last serving in a box of cheese nips.  Drank way too much wine, and in the span of 3 hours I officially succeeded in disappointing myself.  I even binge watched Bones (I missed a bunch of the last episodes of this summer...didn't realize it was still on).

So even though I'm struggling to get back on good terms with myself this morning, I'm back on the wagon...trying to dust myself off and get back in a good mindset.  

It was like the combination of wanting to watch TV, having a fresh bottle of wine, giving myself a little slack on the rules, and seeing that progress I'd made in the morning resulted in a very reckless mindset.

Whenever I drink too much wine, I wake up in the middle of the night with barely any hope of falling back to sleep. I was up for the better part of 2 hours between 3:45 and 6:30 ...the whole time just regretting last night.  Ughhh food and wine...why do you have to be so incredibly desirable??? I get now why people say they "cheat on a diet".  I feel like the idea of wine and snacks just seduced me right out of all these good intentions I've had.  

But the beauty of fucking up for one night is that it's just one night...today is a new day.  And despite the crappy night of sleep, I still see myself going for a 3-4 mile run and staying within my calorie goals and definitely NOT drinking any wine tonight (or maybe ever again, haha).  And now I've learned my lesson...when I'm restricting myself and decide to indulge a little, I need to remember that a little means a little...and that I will be very pissed at myself if I ever let myself lose all willpower like I did last night.  

Wine, Friday, Nora Roberts, and 9 minutes until Dinner

I started listening to another Nora Roberts book on Audible a few days ago.  I don't know why, but every time I read/listen to one of her books I get this wildly intense desire to write.  Maybe it's because I love the way her stories make me feel (like a glass of wine and a slice of pizza are nothing to be ashamed of and I can still be beautiful and desirable while I consume them).  Either way, I'm literally drinking a glass of wine and listening to the book right now (Angels Fall).  It's good, but let's be honest, they're all sort of the same book with different names and settings (and I'm completely okay with that).

Also this week I've decided to stop giving a shit about what people think of me.  Also whether or not I have anything to worry about now that I'm working remotely.  What could I possibly accomplish, worrying all the time?  Nothing.  So who cares?  Why should I keep perpetuating the self-fulfilling prophecies?  If I keep asking myself why people might be upset with me, I'll come up with, or create reasons for them to be upset with me.  And if I keep worrying about things I have no control over, I'll only drive myself crazy and not gain anything in return.

So I'm going to start writing again, editing too.  Like crazy.  I turn 33 in a month, less than.  And I can't control what people think about my writing but if I want to do it, I should do it.

Dinner is in 3 minutes.

Chicken Enchiladas....the Stouffer's kind. Yum!!!