I'm an emotional mess.

My 5 year old daughter and I were watching Disney short films this evening on Netflix and The Little Matchgirl came on...I must not have looked up until the very end when she was lighting her matches and seeing amazing things like food and a warm place to sleep.  Then she freezes to death and a nice old woman spirit (grandmother?) comes and carries her soul away....can you blame me for being emotional??

I spent the following 15 minutes trying to make my daughter understand how lucky she has it (in between choking sobs).  She didn't get it at all, which is good on the one hand, but also so depressing on the other.  I hope I didn't just scar her in some way.  I hope she'll be a little more cognizant of the fact that not everyone has the same opportunities as she does.  She's still so young...but she's well past the point that children living in poverty have already come to fully understand their situation.

Now I can't remember what I was planning to write about earlier this evening.  Oh...NaNoWriMo...that's a no go for me this year.  With work, jewelry, husband being gone, kids, house, moving in December....there was no way I'd be able to accomplish writing 50,000 words of a new novel without needing to be committed for some sort of mental breakdown by December 1.  I do have goals, however.  I'd like to really get a good chunk (if not all) of editing done on the Earths Project book I wrote a few years ago.  I've edited it two times already and it still needs an overhaul..but I still have confidence in the story and the characters and I've never given up on believing that it has potential.  So if I go through it again, maybe I'll be able to start querying agents again by 2016....then maybe (oh, please!!) I can get a book published when I'm 33....my favorite number is 3 (and it's more than just a preference, I really feel like luck happens for me when there's a 3 involved).

So now that I'm emotionally drained and can barely see through my contacts, I'll go pour a glass of wine and try some mindless TV watching.  Hopefully there's a new episode of The Affair available.

Good night..

Candy Corn and Other Things.

I'm a single parent for 2 months.  We've already gotten into a groove, which is surprising, but in one short week, I've had one child throw up and the other has complained of a sore throat for 2 days...I'm hoping it doesn't develop into a fresh batch of strep throat but I'm trying to stay positive.  Work has been a week from hell, can't even scratch the surface on that area of my life.  Jewelry is picking up, which is exciting and terrifying all rolled into a ball of extra stress in my gut.

The nights are mine though, for the most part, and that's living up to my expectations of them.  I've been watching a new series (to me, it's in its second season) on my 30 day free pass to Showtime.  The Affair.  It's a really addictive show...I'm already only 3 episodes from the end of the first season.  Joshua Jackson is in it...he's a major crush of mine from the Dawson's Creek days.  But he gets murdered, so that's gonna be a bummer.  He's not the most likable character on the show...no one really is, come to think of it.  He and his wife had a little boy who died at 4...which might be why I'm so bought in...she's cheating on him with a married man, but in my book, all deals are off when there's something as earth shattering as that in your life.

I keep feeling my head shake...like it's on the verge of losing its grip on things.  Is this what people experience right before they go insane?  No...probably not...but it feels like something concerning.  It's a shudder, like my eyes might roll back at any second and I'll lose myself in it.  It's stress.  Sometimes it's just a creative thought.  Sometimes it's nothing.  It's happening more and more often though, and at different levels of intensity.

This show makes me want to wake up my kids and hug them forever.

Oh hey!  Joshua Jackson doesn't die!  Awesome!  Also confusing...hmm...

I need to cut myself off for the night. I'll save the last two of the season for tomorrow night.

Tomorrow's itinerary...gym sometime in the morning...jewelry sometime in the morning, more jewelry during naps...jewelry after naps...dinner...this show for a couple of episodes, then bed for an early morning trip to the Phoenix Zoo (work/having a trip through to see the animals with the kiddos...Jane's super excited to see Madison and Mimi).



edited to add...i was eating candy corn when i wrote the post title.